Suzie Hayman: Agony Aunt

I am 25, my girlfriend of a year 27 & from the other side of the world – New Zealand. I care for her & love her dearly, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She’s my fish. I am immigrating to Auckland this year so that we can be together. With this in mind we both agreed that we should know about each others sexual history. We talked on the phone about all sorts of things, both very open about our pasts which was great. She just seemed to be holding back a little. Then last night, via text, she explained briefly why.

This is a big burden for me to bare on my own, I will if that is what she wants but I think in the long run she needs to talk to somebody else. I want to do the right thing by her, I want to be together, yet I don’t know what that will be. Who can I turn to for help as she dosen’t want family or friends to know? What should I do? How should I deal with this?

Rape is a devastating experience, for women and for men too. As I think you’ve realised, it’s not about the sex but the loss of trust and control and belief in yourself. Going into denial is a common reaction and it says a lot for the trust she has for you that she has told you. You’re right that, especially now she’s taken you into her confidence and brought this out into the open between you, she needs to talk about it, and so do you.

However apparently successfully people repress traumas such as these, they have away of intruding and affecting lives and loves. So it’s not something to brush back under the carpet. And you need to get hold of your reactions before you find your own pain at what has happened to her overwhelming you, and coming between you. Sharing this together is fine but it’s something that really needs a professional and an outsider to contain the fear and anger and guide you both to dealing with it. So – tell her what you feel. That you want to help, love her as before if not more and feel closer than ever. And that you would like to support her in seeking help.

Suggest she contacts Auckland Rape Crisis, (Crisis Phone Auckland 09 366 7213)
Get a hold of your own feelings of frustration and helplessness by getting in touch with your local Rape Crisis Centre to see if they can help – some do, some don’t. Or ask your GP for a referral to a counsellor. Even if she puts off speaking to them, don’t let that stop you getting your own support.

Hi, I am 16 and have been with my 17 yr old girlfriend for a little over a year now. We have had sex numerous times, but each time I have not managed to “last any longer.” My girlfriend is very supportive and understanding, but we are both getting frustrated. I have read about the stop and go masturbation practices, but am sceptical about that it, but willing to try anything anyone can offer.

I fear that if the problem lasts any longer, or should I say “doesn’t last any longer”, our relationship could go downhill. I feel I am alone because when my friends talk about their sex life, they don’t seem to have this problem. Does this have anything to do with my age? How can I cure my problem? If anyone has anything to suggest or help me, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks a lot

For a start, don’t ever make the mistake of setting standards for yourself from what your friends say about their sexual exploits. Do you tell them exactly what’s happening to you? No, of course not. So how do you know what’s going on in their relationships? Mostly, what you hear from your friends is 10% exaggeration and 90% fantasy!

So what do you mean by not lasting longer? 10 seconds? Ten minutes? Long enough for her to have an orgasm before you? OK – a few facts. Most young men are quick. Hardly surprising – you’re trained to it. You learn how to come by masturbating on your own. If you’re scared someone will come in and interrupt you, you learn to do it quickly. You may refine your lessons by experimenting with male friends – again, you learn to come quick, either so as not to be discovered or because you get the idea that coming first wins the prize.

By the time you settle down with someone you love, your body is trained to deliver the goods fast – and you need to train yourself out of the habit. Sorry you’re sceptical about stop and go or Sensate Focus techniques but they really work. The idea is to stop when you feel that point of no return approaching and let yourself go off the boil. If you gently but firmly press behind the head of the penis, you’ll find the urge to come ebbs. Do this several times and you can extend the act of love – and the more you do it, the longer you learn to last.

Part of the problem now is that you’re uptight and stressed, expecting to come too soon and stress makes it happen. Take the pressure off and you’ll last longer. But the problem may not be that you come too quick but that your expectations aren’t being met. 16 year olds don’t last for half an hour, as books and films suggest you should (and most 30 year olds don’t, either!).

If you come before she does, concentrate a bit more on her rather than worrying about yourself. Spend loads of enjoyable time kissing and touching and nibbling and caressing her before you try to have full sex. Good lovemaking is a lot more than just the “wham bang, thank you ma’am” of penetration. Use your fingers, gently, to give her pleasure before you try to use any other part of your body. If you do come, don’t assume that means the end of the session – go on giving her pleasure with every other bit of you. Try that and you’ll find you don’t have a problem.

I’m 23, my boyfriend is 25, we’ve been together 7 years and our relationship is perfect apart from one thing; sex. We were both virgins when we met, sex was new and exciting for the first year, after that it wasn’t an important part of our relationship. Now sex is non-existent but it doesn’t seem to have an effect on our relationship.

We still love each other very much and kiss and cuddle all the time, but I have no desire for sex. He’s given up trying to have sex with me, and I know he watches porn videos when I’m not there. Why do I have no desire at all? Please help, I need to save this almost perfect relationship.

Sex isn’t separate from a relationship, it’s an integral part. Even when you don’t have sex very often, it’s still an important indicator of how you really feel about each other, yourselves and the relationship itself. Kissing and cuddling shows you care, but not feeling sexual desire might suggest you have something to say to him that you’re finding it hard to face up to.

Women avoid sex when they’ve been brought up to see sex as dirty and unpleasant, or when they have no power in a relationship – no power, that is, except to refuse him sex. They also do it when they feel angry but have been taught this is such an unfeminine and negative emotion, they can’t express it. What’s missing in this “almost perfect” relationship is communication. You need to sit down and talk to each other about your feelings and your actions, and come to some understanding of what is really going on.