Hi, I am 16 and have been with my 17 yr old girlfriend for a little over a year now. We have had sex numerous times, but each time I have not managed to “last any longer.” My girlfriend is very supportive and understanding, but we are both getting frustrated. I have read about the stop and go masturbation practices, but am sceptical about that it, but willing to try anything anyone can offer.
I fear that if the problem lasts any longer, or should I say “doesn’t last any longer”, our relationship could go downhill. I feel I am alone because when my friends talk about their sex life, they don’t seem to have this problem. Does this have anything to do with my age? How can I cure my problem? If anyone has anything to suggest or help me, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks a lot
For a start, don’t ever make the mistake of setting standards for yourself from what your friends say about their sexual exploits. Do you tell them exactly what’s happening to you? No, of course not. So how do you know what’s going on in their relationships? Mostly, what you hear from your friends is 10% exaggeration and 90% fantasy!
So what do you mean by not lasting longer? 10 seconds? Ten minutes? Long enough for her to have an orgasm before you? OK – a few facts. Most young men are quick. Hardly surprising – you’re trained to it. You learn how to come by masturbating on your own. If you’re scared someone will come in and interrupt you, you learn to do it quickly. You may refine your lessons by experimenting with male friends – again, you learn to come quick, either so as not to be discovered or because you get the idea that coming first wins the prize.
By the time you settle down with someone you love, your body is trained to deliver the goods fast – and you need to train yourself out of the habit. Sorry you’re sceptical about stop and go or Sensate Focus techniques but they really work. The idea is to stop when you feel that point of no return approaching and let yourself go off the boil. If you gently but firmly press behind the head of the penis, you’ll find the urge to come ebbs. Do this several times and you can extend the act of love – and the more you do it, the longer you learn to last.
Part of the problem now is that you’re uptight and stressed, expecting to come too soon and stress makes it happen. Take the pressure off and you’ll last longer. But the problem may not be that you come too quick but that your expectations aren’t being met. 16 year olds don’t last for half an hour, as books and films suggest you should (and most 30 year olds don’t, either!).
If you come before she does, concentrate a bit more on her rather than worrying about yourself. Spend loads of enjoyable time kissing and touching and nibbling and caressing her before you try to have full sex. Good lovemaking is a lot more than just the “wham bang, thank you ma’am” of penetration. Use your fingers, gently, to give her pleasure before you try to use any other part of your body. If you do come, don’t assume that means the end of the session – go on giving her pleasure with every other bit of you. Try that and you’ll find you don’t have a problem.