stepfamilies aren’t easy!

Posted on January 27, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I have been very interested in your programme this evening I felt very sorry for little Josh I felt he was picked on and it was so unfair.I have also watched the other programmes with interest and was happy tp see the positive results.I have my very own step family that has its ups and downs and between us we have 11 children.Step families are not easy on any one but I would say mainly the poor children are affected.Well done on your good work.

Thank you so much for your kind words! As you may see in another letter, not everyone felt the same but the overwhelming response from people both in and out of stepfamilies has been enormously positive. Yes, Stepfamilies aren’t easy and it is always the kids who suffer most, but with some insight and support and work, they can become marvellous places to be. And the series seems to have reassured many people, let them know they weren’t alone and given some ideas to work on. Good to hear from you!

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transgender worries

Posted on January 27, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am 37. Firstly I have battled with a mental health illness for most of my adult life but this isn’t the problem, all though it is! I came out as being gay at the age of 17 but as one gets older one’s thourghts and feelings change and possibly begin to make sense. I know in my heart that I should be male not a gay female and be with a woman this way but want to be a male and be with a woman.

You are the first person I have told, obviously having dealt with mental health proffessionals over the years but unfortunatly have been unable or to ashamed to tell them about this, can you help.I have been impressed by what I have seen of you on the tv. I really do believe that this issue is a huge part of my illness.What can I do? I hope you will be able to find the time somehow to reply.Thankyou for your time

Thank you for trusting me with this. I do admire you for putting it down and for facing up to it. Can I reassure you that you aren’t the only person to feel like this and that there is support and help out there, not only in exploring and coming to terms with your feelings but doing something about it. My suggestion would be to contact The Beaumont Society at http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/ and ask for their help. You may also find The Transgender Zone at http://www.transgenderzone.com/ both revealing and reassuring. I’m sure communicating with people who will be sympathetic with but more importantly understand your feelings will help. Best of luck!

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I want to do the right thing by my stepson

Posted on January 27, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
A work colleague brought your BBC programme to my attention the timing was amazing! I am a stepfather to 2 boys 11 & 14 y/o by two different fathers. We have been a family for 4 years and married for 18 months. The boys both call me Dad now. The eldest (who is in contact with his father) is generally fine. He’s a typical teenager, but harmless otherwise and we have a good relationship. The youngest is very clingy to my wife and has been diagnosed as ADD. he reacts to medication with a rash and that has now been stopped.

Our biggest problem is how to deal with his constant lying and stealing. My wife dotes on him but also gets very frustrated at his behaviour. I let her do most of the discipline which we make sure to agree on, but she often goes soft on him and lets him off. I am very ‘old school’ and believe that he needs a firm hand to curb his misbehaviour as it is causing major problems with friends and family. How do we handle him? I want to do the right thing…

Thanks for your very kind words about the series – I’m so glad it’s proving helpful to you! I’m sure you do want to do the right thing and I will do my best to give some suggestions to support you.

One thing you may want to consider is this “old school” stuff. You say your youngest stepson’s misbehaviour is causing major problems and that you feel he needs a firm hand. You may be particularly interested in watching the last film in my Stepfamilies series, going out in NI, England and Wales on February 8th and Scotland 1st February. In that you will see a man who was brought up by old school means and given a firm hand. And I think that was the root of is problems.

The problem with old school and firm hands is that they simply don’t take account of WHY people react in certain ways. This system goes for the symptoms and sees bad behaviour and seeks to control it by punishing the miscreant. What I do is see bad behaviour as a signal of bad feelings – grief, guilt, rage, pain – and I seek to understand what is happening and why. What I want to do is hear the message underneath the behaviour.

You say your stepson is 11; so you came into his life when he was about 6 or 7. I wonder when his father left, and what sense he made of his father not being in touch, and his elder brother’s maintaining contact. If most kids are anything to go by, he thinks it was his fault; that he’s to blame or lacking in some way that his Dad would up and leave and totally abandon him. No wonder he clings to his mum – in a child’s eyes, if his Dad left, so may his Mum. What a terrifying prospect.

Lying and stealing are classic symptoms of children who feel lost and rejected. He steals to fill up the gaping hole he feels at the centre of his life and he lies to protect his image of himself as soehow not responsible for his actions. As, in a way, he isn’t. And when he acts up and acts out, he gets punished; that’s punishing him for being scared and confused and showing it in the only way he may know how – by being as bad as he feels.

And maybe he’s even testing you; if his Dad left because he was bad, how far does he have to push before he proves his theory right and the two of you reject him too? I think the way you handle him is by taking The Hard Option. And that is listening to him, trying to understand what he may be feeling and thinking.

You saw some of the techniques I use to let kids voice feelings – the egg timer, drawing. And looking at how you set rules and deal with family conflict. I don’t want to sound like a salesperson but my book Stepfamilies – thriving and surviving in a new family, written to go with the series, really would help – you’ll find a link to amazon in my book page.

All the methods I used to make a difference in the families in the series, and plenty of exploration of the sort of issues you are struggling with, are in its pages. You’re not alone and your son isn’t a problem. He has a problem, and you can help him overcome it. Good luck!

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Do you offer an training workshops?

Posted on January 27, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I work as a family mediator. Do you offer an training workshops?

I’d be happy to discuss it further – mail me at stepfamilies@liontv.co.uk

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counselling training

Posted on January 27, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I liked what you did in Stepfamilies. I would like to learn those skills. What training would you recommend?

Thank you for your kind words – I’m delighted you found the series inspiring.

I was trained by Relate, a three year training in couple counselling which I felt was excellent. You could contact your local Relate and enquire, but the best advice I think I can offer is to get in touch with British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG and ask them for their help. Their website at http://www.bacp.co.uk/education/ offers a very full explanation of what students need to know before embarking on counselling training. Good luck!

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Gay and Temporarily Insane

Posted on January 27, 2006 by Suzie

I am a gay man that recently ended a relationship of 5 years with my lover because I found out he was cheating on me again. (he had been the entire time we were together but we had went to counseling etc., and I thought we were doing well) When I caught him the last time, I decided that I could not put up with it anymore.

Now 7 months has passed and I still think about him often. But the problem is I have met someone else and I am starting to really get feelings for him but he is in an open relationship. I know I am setting myself up for heartache but I can’t stop thinking about him.

Is he just a replacement for my ex, or I am just a glutton for heartache.

You do have my sympathies – how very painful to have found the person you loved had let you down…again. I wonder if you find yourself attracted to men who are not fully available to you for a reason? First a serial philanderer, then someone already hitched – is this a pattern you’ve found yourself in before?

Falling for the unobtainable or the unreliable can be about our own lack of self esteem, as if you’ve somewhere along the line been told you’re to worth better. Or it’s about having lost people in the past so often that you can’t bear to risk something that lasts and set yourself up to be disappointed; if you know it’s going to fail at least you won’t feel cheated or surprised.

So what’s the answer? You can’t help falling for people but you can help what you do about it. and you can put your past relationships under the spotlight to examine and explore what it is you are looking for and why. If it’s actually an arms length relationship that won’t get too close you may be able to work out why that is, and change the script. I’d suggest a few sessions with a counsellor could help – ask your GP if there’s one attached to your surgery or contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy who suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk. Good luck!

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boy oh boy his ex wife

Posted on January 27, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
Nearly five years ago I met Simon the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, our boys get on great 21,11 and 8yrs of age, but boy oh boy his ex wife.
Simon is not divorced yet, the boys are used as weapons, she totally disrupts everything she does not want Simon but can not let go either. She is driving us mad and this includes our solicitor and her solicitor and the four before him! Things are getting really ridiculous now. Tried everything, don’t know which way to go with this now? Can you HELP?

For a start, accept that you may not be able to do anything; you can’t change another person, only they can do that. But you have control over your own behaviour and reactions and if you begin to behave well and NOT react or be pulled in to conflict she may have to respond in kind. Imagine it like being on opposite ends of a see-saw. You can shout at the other person to move forward or back and they can ignore you; but if you move forward or back yourself, they have to make a corresponding move or fall off!

It might help also to stand for a few moments in her shoes. You say they are not yet divorced; is it unreasonable to suppose she is still very much in the early stages of grief and rage and loss? Even if she actually started the split, she may still feel married to him in more than name and miss him and be overwhelmed with anger and jealousy at him being with you. Even if she doesn’t want him it’s not unusual for her not to want to let him go yet.

If you and he, and he and her and even you and she were able to consider, discuss and accept her very real and painful emotions about this, it would help you see it from her point of view and so move forward. Maybe a letter actually recognising her feelings and accepting them, but then asking her to see that her behaviour is hurting the very people she loves best – their children – could help. A little sympathy and acknowledgment goes a long way!

Perhaps the opportunity for her to feel she has had her final say on her sadness and fury, and for him to hear it, would help – maybe he could offer to attend a session with a counsellor or mediator with her. I would very strongly suggest you make sure your solicitors are members of Members of the Solicitors Family Law Association, now called Resolution – first for family law. They can give advice on any family dispute and with separation and divorce, but encourage mediation and agreement rather than confrontation. Write to P.O. Box 302, Orpington, Kent BR6 8QX with a stamped addressed envelope, or phone 01689 820272 or go to www.sfla.org.uk Good luck!

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demanding mother

Posted on January 17, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,i am writing to you in the hope that you will help me to cope and understand my relationship with my mother.i left home at an early age beause she was very demanding of me,both physically in the fact that she always wanted me with her,and mentally with her always asking advice and talking to me, in total role reversal.i am 35 years old and she is sixty.she has been diagnosed with deppression and anxiety and will not take the proffesional help,but insists on calling me up to 30 times a day to go over her feelings and ask me for answers.altough i do try to regulate the phone calls she calls other people and my mother in law to find me.the problem seems to have got worse since i got married and even though she has a good relationship with my husband obviously it is taking its toll on our relationship.please help me to deal with my feelings of guilt and frustration.

 

You’ve already made some progress, in both realizing you can and should and in actually beginning to regulate calls. So how can you take this a few more steps, to help both you and yr husband and indeed yr mother?

 

Of course you care for her as well as feeling baffled anger, and would like the poor old soul to have a better time of it. But I think you need to consider this; people can only demand of you what you are prepared to give. She acts like a child to your adult – she calls you, she pursues you. But it is yr guilt that means you respond, not her demands.

 

When she plays the dependant, demanding, querulous child, this only becomes a difficulty if you take up the role of adult/parent her game seems to require. If you were to stand back, laugh and refuse to slip into the role, the game collapses.

 

If you were to tell her you’ll speak with her once a day for 5 minutes with a longer call on Sunday mornings, and if she calls outside these times either refuse to pick up (get a phone that has caller display) or simply say firmly “Not now, Mum, we’ll talk tomorrow” she would stop. If you were to say to her “I’m yr daughter not a therapist and I can’t help you. Go to counselling.” and repeat that very time she dumped on you, she’d soon do it. If you were to tell anyone she chases for you that you were not playing this game anymore and that they have yr permission to cut her off, she’d soon stop that too.

 

Stop responding to her demand you come up with answers – it’s not your responsibility nor in your ability. Simply say “I’m sorry to hear that Mum. Your doctor or therapist could help you, not me.” And keep repeating it like a broken record until she gets the message! It’s NOT down to you to heal her life – it’s down to her. Encourage her to seek help but make it clear you are not there to do that, and refuse to take it on. Make an agreement with yr husband how often you will speak with her and for how long, tell her clearly …AND KEEP TO IT! It is actually the best thing you can do for her, as well as for you. If you’d like to talk this over with someone, make an appointment with a counsellor through yr GP or your local Relate to discuss the skills and get yr head round them. Good Luck!

 

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school refusal

Posted on January 17, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, my kid bunks school as she fake illness, im really worried that there might be something wrong at school but when i asked she said nothing.

 

There may be a few things to consider here. One may be that she is having difficulties at school and finding it hard to talk about it. Whether it is bullying  by other kids, being picked on by a teacher or falling behind with school work, kids tend to feel it’s all their own fault. They feel guilty and stupid and often think they deserve the trouble they are in. So they won’t tell you what’s going on in case you dismiss it by blaming them too. Or, they’re scared you won’t be able to help and that would leave them feeling even worse.

 

You can get round this by being loving and accepting, by sharing with her that you are worried about her and you need to talk and that whatever she tells you, you won’t be angry with her or tell her off. I would think you would need to ask the school to be onside with you, sharing with each other what might be going wrong and why. Can you talk to her teacher or the year head?  They may be able to offer support and help.

 

But I think you may also need to consider whether she won’t go to school NOT because of something she fears there but something she fears may happen when she leaves her home. Children who are seeing family conflict or separation or illness often become school phobic. If a family member has recently left, or something has happened to remind her of a loss, or someone is ill or she’s seeing scary rows or fights, she may be scared to go to school in case when she comes home something else has happened.

 

Whatever, it sounds as if you need some support and help. I suggest calling the Parentline Plus Helpline – it’s free, confidential and open 24/7 on 0808 800 2222. Good luck!

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should i wait?

Posted on January 17, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I am a 15 year old boy and am desperatly in love with a girl, I overcame the ‘telling her’ bit, which was really hard, because she has a boyfreind, but she admitted she loved me alot aswell, but she would never want to hurt her boyfreind, I have accepted this, Its just getting a bit frustrating. I know that I am one of her best freinds and that she will come with me if she breaks up with her boyfreind, but I don’t know how long I should wait.

Please help me

Thankyou

 

Well done for overcoming yr nerves and shyness and talking to her. It sounds as if both of you are so kewl – kind and caring and honest.

 

You can only respect her for not wanting to two-time her present fella. Now she knows, it’s up to her to make the comparisons and decide who’d she’d rather be with in the long run.

 

To be honest, relationships tend to last a shorter time the younger you are when you start them. So putting yr relationship on hold may be a good thing! As for how long to wait – only you can decide that. Maybe being best friends for many years would be better than being a couple for a few months.

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