Nearly five years ago I met Simon the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, our boys get on great 21,11 and 8yrs of age, but boy oh boy his ex wife.
Simon is not divorced yet, the boys are used as weapons, she totally disrupts everything she does not want Simon but can not let go either. She is driving us mad and this includes our solicitor and her solicitor and the four before him! Things are getting really ridiculous now. Tried everything, don’t know which way to go with this now? Can you HELP?
For a start, accept that you may not be able to do anything; you can’t change another person, only they can do that. But you have control over your own behaviour and reactions and if you begin to behave well and NOT react or be pulled in to conflict she may have to respond in kind. Imagine it like being on opposite ends of a see-saw. You can shout at the other person to move forward or back and they can ignore you; but if you move forward or back yourself, they have to make a corresponding move or fall off!
It might help also to stand for a few moments in her shoes. You say they are not yet divorced; is it unreasonable to suppose she is still very much in the early stages of grief and rage and loss? Even if she actually started the split, she may still feel married to him in more than name and miss him and be overwhelmed with anger and jealousy at him being with you. Even if she doesn’t want him it’s not unusual for her not to want to let him go yet.
If you and he, and he and her and even you and she were able to consider, discuss and accept her very real and painful emotions about this, it would help you see it from her point of view and so move forward. Maybe a letter actually recognising her feelings and accepting them, but then asking her to see that her behaviour is hurting the very people she loves best – their children – could help. A little sympathy and acknowledgment goes a long way!
Perhaps the opportunity for her to feel she has had her final say on her sadness and fury, and for him to hear it, would help – maybe he could offer to attend a session with a counsellor or mediator with her. I would very strongly suggest you make sure your solicitors are members of Members of the Solicitors Family Law Association, now called Resolution – first for family law. They can give advice on any family dispute and with separation and divorce, but encourage mediation and agreement rather than confrontation. Write to P.O. Box 302, Orpington, Kent BR6 8QX with a stamped addressed envelope, or phone 01689 820272 or go to www.sfla.org.uk Good luck!