Gay and Temporarily Insane

I am a gay man that recently ended a relationship of 5 years with my lover because I found out he was cheating on me again. (he had been the entire time we were together but we had went to counseling etc., and I thought we were doing well) When I caught him the last time, I decided that I could not put up with it anymore.

Now 7 months has passed and I still think about him often. But the problem is I have met someone else and I am starting to really get feelings for him but he is in an open relationship. I know I am setting myself up for heartache but I can’t stop thinking about him.

Is he just a replacement for my ex, or I am just a glutton for heartache.

You do have my sympathies – how very painful to have found the person you loved had let you down…again. I wonder if you find yourself attracted to men who are not fully available to you for a reason? First a serial philanderer, then someone already hitched – is this a pattern you’ve found yourself in before?

Falling for the unobtainable or the unreliable can be about our own lack of self esteem, as if you’ve somewhere along the line been told you’re to worth better. Or it’s about having lost people in the past so often that you can’t bear to risk something that lasts and set yourself up to be disappointed; if you know it’s going to fail at least you won’t feel cheated or surprised.

So what’s the answer? You can’t help falling for people but you can help what you do about it. and you can put your past relationships under the spotlight to examine and explore what it is you are looking for and why. If it’s actually an arms length relationship that won’t get too close you may be able to work out why that is, and change the script. I’d suggest a few sessions with a counsellor could help – ask your GP if there’s one attached to your surgery or contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy who suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to Good luck!

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