Dear Suzie, I’m a 20 year old girl, and I’m a little worried that people might think I’m a slut. When I was 17 I got into a relationship with a 22 year old guy. We fell in love and after 6 months I lost my virginity to him. However, after 2 years of being with him (faithful) the relationship ended.
About a month later I got into a relationship with a guy I’d known for nearly a year and after a couple of weeks ended up sleeping with him too. This relationship ended after 6 months (2 months ago).
Last night I met up with a guy I’m friends with and we ended up having sex together. I know that people can have multiple partners without being sluts (and I’m always careful) but I’m worried that men will find me less attractive if they know I’ve been with 3 men. Why is it so different for women?? The men I’ve slept with have all slept with more than 6 girls each and don’t see it as a problem. Am I just being paranoid or do I have a problem?
We gave it a name – the Double Standard; that was the belief that somehow it was totally acceptable if not desirable for men to have a range of sexual experiences and a number of sexual partners, but that women should “keep themselves pure”. Then feminism came along and one of the issues it blew out of the water was sexual hypocrisy.
Surely the important question is not how many but how. I would say a man who has several sexual encounters, each one simply a matter of adding conquests to his score, far more deserves the title of a slut than a woman who has relationships that involve care and emotional involvement as well as sex.
Times have changed. A recent survey found that the average number of sexual partners for women in their thirties was 6. I believe that men and women are far more similar than different and I would apply the same expectations to both; that sexual activity is best kept within loving, caring and long term relationships. But that sometimes short lived relationships or no-strings sex can be a personal choice and as long as both partners know and agree that is what they are doing and both take proper precautions to protect their own and the other person’s sexual and emotional health it’s up to them.
If you worry about other people’s opinions you need to ask yourself one question; are you worried about behaviour that is selfish, harmful, dangerous or otherwise unacceptable, or are you fretting about people who don’t know you being judgemental, censorious and sexist? If it’s the former than perhaps you need and want to change your behaviour (but from what you’ve said I wouldn’t feel this applies to you). If it’s the latter then you need to improve your self esteem and self confidence so you get on with your own life and not worry what other people MIGHT be thinking.