Dear Suzie,
my boyfriends stepfather has come to live with us and he made a pass at me. i pushed him away, but the next time, i didn’t and we slept together and it was the best i have ever had. my boyfriend works long hours and me and his stepfather have slept together several time since then. and every time has been brilliant. but i know its wrong. i want to stop, but he is so sexy and he makes me feel so good about myself.
im confused
please help
If he makes you feel good about yourself why are you writing to me? The truth is he makes you feel awful. You’re cheating on your boyfriend and doing it with one of the people he’d be most hurt to discover is betraying him.
Let’s for a moment consider why this man is doing this. Relationships between stepfathers and stepsons are often difficult and competitive. It’s very common for them to feel rivals over the love of the first woman in their life – your boyfriends mum, his stepfathers partner. If this man has come to live with you is it because he’s having problems with his partner? And is this his way of clawing something/somebody back from his stepson? Whatever, however flattered you may feel by his attention, I’m betting it’s less to do with you than with the dynamic between the two men. That’s not exactly rewarding for you, is it?
It’s easy for an older man to be better in bed than a younger one. For a start, the anticipation and thrill of being with someone you look up to, and of being deceitful, gives it a charge. Being older, he’s more experienced. That doesn’t mean he’s a better lover, and it certainly doesn’t mean he cares for you. And just because you have an orgasm doesn’t mean he means anything to you, either.
I suspect you’ve allowed yourself to be pulled in to something nasty and cruel. But that doesn’t let you entirely off the hook. Why do you think you did it, with this of all men? Are you angry with your boyfriend for working rather than being with you? Did it feel good to get back at him by playing behind his back with his stepfather?
You don’t tell me your age so I don’t know how much you could also call this abusive. Frankly any relationship between an older man in a position of trust and respect over a younger girl, which begins with something more than persuasion, is abusive in my book. If I were you I’d tell him to sling his hook, at once.
The problem is that man this selfish and careless about the proper boundaries between himself and a younger girl, himself and his stepson’s girl, may well hit out by telling tales. Since you simply can’t keep this secret for ever you will have to decide how you want it to come out, and control from whom, when and how your boyfriend hears about it.
Since it feels to me that you have as much to say as he might say to you, I’d strongly suggest you do so with the help of a counsellor. Relate offer counselling for relationship and family issues. Look in the local phone book for your nearest centre or go to Relate Or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to BACP.