Dear Suzie, I am 14 years old (turning 15 in about two months) and i have a 16 year old boyfriend. We have been together for almost three months and we love each other more than the world. the problem is, he is ready to do sexual things that i am not. I am fine with him doing things to me, but I dont know if i am ready to have sex with him. He is not the kind of boyfriend who asks me to have sex with him, but you can tell that he wants me to. I once talked to him about it, and i was right. He was expecting me to give it up to him very soon. We talked it over though, and he was so sweet. He said that he didn’t mind at all and that he just loved me so much. However, I can still twell that it’s bothering him. I just don’t know what to do because i love him so much and… I feel like i should be ready there are just so many things in the way. any suggestions?
Yes, I do have suggestions. Number one – wait. Number 2 – wait. Oh – and number 3; wait.
Number 1; you’re 14. You’re likely to live to 90+. I know everything feels urgent and now and today in your world but seriously – why not leave some things for later. You’ll be having sex for the next 80 years. You can leave starting for a few more. Don’t feel you ‘should’ be ready. you’ll be ready when you’re ready and for most people that’s not for at least two years. At least!
Number 2; since you are 14, he would be breaking the law if he had sex with you. OK – the law is there to protect young people from exploitation and you could argue that two teenagers expressing their live isn’t exploitative. But he is two years older than you and that puts him in a position of some power and authority over you. When one of the couple can pressurise the other it isn’t an equal relationship.
Number 3; just because one of you wants, wants, WANTS something it doesn’t mean the other should give way. That’s like saying just because a little kid desperately wants to jump in a bath of sweeties he should be allowed to. He’d get a stomach ache, and make a terrible mess.
Of course he wants sex. He’s a teenage boy. Hormones, his mates, the media – all are pushing him on to get it on. You too may be curious and even aroused but you have more to lose, and you are saying “Not yet”. That’s the voice you should be listening to. It’s not your responsibility to sexually satisfy him. What – you thought you were put on this earth to give him relief? Think again!
Tell him until you’re ready, until both of you have agreed it’s the right time and, incidentally, both are prepared to get and use a reliable method of contraception every time, you’ll say “Thanks but no thanks”.
And let it be a good test of a boyfriend; if he goes on putting on the pressure, he’s saying his pleasure is more important to him than you are. I wouldn’t give someone so selfish the time of day.