Suzie Hayman: Agony Aunt

When my stepchildren come to stay they way they leave stuff all over the house infuriates me. I think it’s so bad mannered but I can’t say anything because we do get on quiet well and I don’t want to upset anything. My husband and I argue about it all the time though because I want him to make them tidy up and he won’t. What can I do?

“You see it as untidiness and bad manners. They may see it as feeling at home and, without realising it, be a way of saying “This place is mine!” If it really upsets you the best tactic is to say so, calmly, directly and clearly but without any criticism. So, you don’t say “This is such a mess!” or “You’re so untidy!” What you say is “Could you please pick up your socks and put them in your room? Socks belong in bedrooms! Thanks!”

The other point to consider is picking your battles. In the end, what is more important – that the house is a little untidy when they come to stay, or that they come to stay with a will and you have a good time? There are important issues you may want to put your foot down another time; save the fight for them.

Dealing with my teenagers is like trying to herd cats. If one gets what they want, the others complain. If we try to put our foot down one or two or all three of them will have some reason why it shouldn’t apply to them. They’re always coming to us with requests and questions and it feels as if we say the same thing, again and again. They’re good boys and really lovely people. It’s just that it feels as if were fighting a losing battle

It sounds as if you’d benefit from two strategies. One is giving them far more responsibility themselves. With teenagers, it can help to hand over some power and control and tell them to manage it. The other is for you to institute a Family Discussion once a week and tell them to be there or lose out – you won’t repeat things and you won’t debate things that have come up there and been agreed by who’s at the discussion. It’s an excellent way of getting agreements and consensus, on hearing everyone’s point of view and needs and getting them to balance them out. Put your foot down on this one thing – that you’re going to have them – and then you won’t have to fight again.

My eldest son really doesn’t get on with my new partner. They fight over everything – who feeds the dog, where each of them will sit on the sofa, even what cereal to have in the morning. It’s driving me crazy and I can’t understand it specially since he’s always been such a kind, quiet helpful boy. When my husband left us he was a rock to me and his younger sister. He and my partner seemed to get on at first – why is he being like this?

When a new partner is just a date, they do not upset the dynamic of a family. Once they become partners and have a place in your home you need to look at who has to shift around to give them room and what they feel about that. Eldest children often feel they have to take the role of a missing parent, caring for, looking after and over the parent they live with. When a new partner comes along he or she takes over, in effect supplanting the child and pushing them out of the place they have come to assume is their own. Your son feels like a rival and so he and your new partner bicker over all sorts of territorial issues and issues that the head of a family may usually decide.

It’s understandable, so the best way to deal with it is to acknowledge it. Say “It must feel odd to have someone come in and be a responsible adult when you felt you were doing that job. I’m really grateful for how much you did when we were alone. How are we going to sort things out now so you and John don’t argue so much? I really hate it when you quarrel.” Simply bringing the issue out into the open sometimes does the trick. One tactic may be to agree specific responsibilities, and to thank him when he does them, so your son doesn’t feel he has to fight to be recognised as his role is accepted. Another is for your partner to find something such as fishing or football they can do together, so making the lad an ally rather than a rival.

I’m divorced and seeing someone new and now he wants to tell my children about us – we met 6 months ago and we really do think this is it. But I’m not sure. It’s not that I don’t think we’re going to last, it’s just that they’ve had so many disappointments in their lives I’d hate to get their hopes up until we’re more sure of the future.

The problem with keeping quiet is that it’s highly unlikely your children are entirely ignorant about your partner’s existence. Whether they have picked up hints from the fact you go out in the evening or whether they already have met, they will have drawn their own conclusions and have their own fantasies about this. You don’t have to announce weddings or shared homes or anything permanent to let them know some changes are happening. Neither should you – as you say, you don’t know where this is going yet. But you should say something. All you have to do is tell them the truth – that you’ve met someone you like who is becoming important to you and you don’t yet know what is going to happen but you’ll keep them informed.

If you don’t, they will go on spinning their own tales out of wishes and dreams but they won’t be able to talk these through with you because they know talking about it is taboo. If anything does go wrong if you say nothing it will leave them even more confused than before and if you announce it’s over they may be furious that you kept them in the dark and then sprang it on them. And if it goes right and eventually you tell them they may be upset you didn’t tell them beforehand – how can they trust you if you won’t trust them? Talk to them as soon as possible.

My husband walked out on me two months ago and I feel such a fool. I thought we had the perfect marriage – two lovely children, a nice house. Ok, we didn’t spend as much time as I’d like together and we had our arguments but I was just shattered to learn he’d been having an affair for over a year. He didn’t go to stay with her – he says it’s over but he’s not coming back. I thought at first he’d come to his senses but now he’s buying a flat so I think he means it. I feel as if the whole marriage – our children, our life together – was a lie and I don’t know how to go on.

I am sad to hear of your situation. It feels painful now, and will always be a source of regret and disappointment, but eventually you’ll be able to look back on the good bits of your marriage and appreciate they still exist and are still real. The sad ending doesn’t take away the happy beginning nor what came out of you relationship – years of trust and two lovely children both of you still love. It might help to ask if he’d go with you to counselling, not to put the marriage back together but to enable you to part with a degree of dignity and closure – he owes you that. Once you can understand why he did what he did and can feel he has heard your anger and disillusionment you may be able to move on. You may feel you could never trust him again as a partner but can do so as a co-parent, and that you will be able to trust someone else again.