baby blues

Posted on February 21, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I wonder if you can help?, my partner and i were together for 2 years and had a baby in july last year, i had the usual time off work and everything seemed to be fine subsequantly when i returned to work things statrted getting bad and have had to move out.
i have admitted that i may have not supported her as much as i should have and have told her this and want nothing more than to move back into the family home so that we can be a propper family prior to me leaving she was tested for post natal depression of which she tested negative i love them both very much and am at my wits end she says that she is quite happy on her own with the baby i tell her i love her and miss them both very much. what can i do.

Can you take some tough talking? You may need to take on board some things you don’t want to hear, if you’re going to see a way through this.

What I’m hearing from you is the way you see it; you were happy, you had a babe, maybe you weren’t quite as supportive as she might have liked but you said you were sorry, didn’t you? Now she says she can do without you and you’re nonplussed. You grasped at the thought that the whole nasty mess might have been the fault of bloody hormones…but no, the doc didn’t agree. You love her, you miss them; you want it back the way it was.

And maybe that’s the issue you’re missing; she doesn’t want it back the way it was and I wonder why. Sometimes, simply saying sorry isn’t enough – you need to fully understand what was wrong and what changes you are going to have to put in place to make it different.

If you’re anything like thousands of men I’ve heard from, what went wrong was that the balance between you suited you fine, but not her. Who did most of the chores? Who dealt with emotional issues? Who was upfront and honest and who kept their feelings under wraps? Who cared for the baby? Who listened to the other? Who respected whom?

I suspect the traffic was mainly one way – that she did much of the work, that she struggled to get you to communicate and that when the baby came along, she felt put upon and unheard. Is that harsh and unfair? Maybe and in which case I apologise. But it may be the way she felt it was, and that may be why she asked you to leave. If you want a proper family the point is you have to be a proper family person – and that means equal respect and equal pulling of weight. It means recognising having a baby means a big change in your lives, and that both of you really need to be partners and to listen to and support each other.

If you want to go back, I’d suggest you offer to have this out with the guidance, help and support of a counsellor. You have to sort it out because even if you aren’t going to be together, you are set to be co-parents for life, and that needs to be discussed and arranged. I suggest you get in touch and say you know there were failings and you want to talk it out and would like to make and appointment with a counsellor.

Relate offer counselling for relationship and family issues. Look in the local phone book for your nearest centre or go to www.relate.org.uk . They also do phone counselling – call 08451 30 40 16 for an appointment. Or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk
Good luck!

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rejected stepdaughter – and daughter

Posted on February 21, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I dont know what to do. My daughter wants to leave home because of my husband, her step father. She was living with her father up until 3 years ago when he decided he (and her stepmother) didnt want her anymore, I was delighted I got her back -it’s a long complicated story, my ex was very bitter and used the kids to get back at me – It was very difficult as she had accused my son and father of sexually abusing her when she was very young, the police didnt proceed as there was no evidence to support it. The police advised her that she would be better off living with me. I supported my son at the time but I knew, from the police, that their father was manipulating the whole thing. I have never spoken to her about it, my son will not speak or see her – he is at university and has not contacted me lately, I know he is having a hard time as his father rejected him at 16. On top of all this my husband has issues of his own, he needs to grow up and start acting like an adult – we have a 4 yr old daughter who will grow up and become a teenager and like to stay in her room, he thinks my daughter is anti social. He blew up at my daughter for not wiping down the shower properly to his standard (we all walk on egg shells) this was the last straw, he gets very agressive and is quite big, often threatens stuff such as wrecking equipment if we dont clean/use/put it back properly.

You have my sympathy – it sounds like a sad, hurtful situation. It seems there are two big and distinct issues here that need sorting out.

One is your husbands behaviour and feelings about being in a stepfamily – indeed, about being in a family. This is your second go but it sounds as if it’s his first. And it sounds as if, like may people, he has brought quite a lot of baggage over from his own family of origin that is getting in the way.

Aggression, high expectations, lack of unconditional love offered to this own child let alone yours – it sounds as if this might be the sort of thing he experienced in his own childhood making to hard for him to be loving and flexible to his own children. If he wants to have a good relationship with his daughter, he needs to address his own demons and his behaviour with the daughter already a teenager now. It’s not so much that he needs to grow up – he needs to face up to his own feelings as a child and what they say to him and about him.

He needs support in addressing them, and to see that it not about blame or responsibility for who is doing what in your household; it’s about helping everyone to be happy and supported and to do the best thing. If I were you I’d make an appointment for some counselling support, and invite him to accompany you; but if he won’t, go along anyway. My bet is that he will, or will join you when he sees it’s helping you.

But for the other issue; to be frank, it doesn’t matter whether your son and father actually had sex with your daughter, or whether some contact they felt was trivial took place, or whether the affair was about bullying or rejection or what. Abusers often force one young child to abuse another so the abuse can be by proxy and they can claim, or persuade themselves, they were innocent. The child who does the action is as much a victim and feels as violated as the child acted upon.

Whatever happened, the fact of the matter is your daughter felt at risk and vulnerable. She felt something happened. And what was the reaction? To call her a liar, to send her to live with the man she had said abused her. A man who subsequently rejected the boy in question, and who has now rejected her.

If there is a degree of anger, guilt, loss sloshing around I wouldn’t be in the least surprised. She was let down most frightfully by you, her brother, (as he was by ihs father, too) her father, and now is being let down by her stepfather. No wonder she wants to leave home. I’d suggest it is time to talk with her about what happened – to listen and believe and accept her feelings of rage, helplessness, betrayal. Hurtful and tough for a mother to take on board but isn’t it about time? And while you’re about it, it would be worth while getting in touch with him and offering to listen to him, too. He perhaps needs as much help as she does.

She needs support and help –I’d suggest offering to find her someone to talk to, either through the GP or via the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy who can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk. The Institute of Family Therapy can also help with family problems. Write to them at 24-32 Stephenson Way, London NW1 2HX, call 020 7391 9150 or go to www.instituteoffamilytherapy.org.uk Good luck!

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the 29 year old or the 24 year old?

Posted on February 21, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I’m a 19 year old girl and have been with my 24 year old boyfriend for 2 years now. I recently met a 29 year old guy who says he likes me and I’m really attracted to.

My relationship with my boyfriend has been a bit rocky lately but I know he loves me and I don’t want to leave him for fear of hurting him (as well as fear of the unknown). I don’t want to cheat on him but I also want to experience other things.

As for the other guy he says he likes me but is he too old for me? Also I get the feeling that this new guy is just after sex and I don’t want to throw my relstionship away if he’s not really interested. I have no idea what to do. I can’t talk to my boyfriend as I don’t want to hurt him, and I can’t talk to the other guy as I’m really shy and find it hard to open up to people. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!

You’re making the mistake so many of us make when young; faced with a choice, you think “Ooh – vanilla or chocolate? This one or that one?” Actually – what about strawberry? What about no ice cream today? What about the many, many varied options – it’s not between one or t’other.

Okay – you’re 19. Your relationship with your boyfriend has become a bit rocky. Another guy comes along and says he’s attracted, so you feel torn.

Actually, it would help to see the two issues as separate, not as related. It’s not a case of should you leave one for the other. It would be best to first ask yourself if the relationship with the boyfriend has legs or is over. I’d say, at 19, it’s unlikely that this is The One. Consider what being attracted to someone else says to you.

It could be reminding you that we can all be attracted to other people even when in love and committed to the love of our lives. I’ve been with my guy for 30 years and he‘s the only one for me – I deeply believe in fidelity and so does he. But do you think we have never looked at anyone else, in person or on a screen, and thought “Woah!” Of course we have; we just know it’s fantasy and that’s all there is to it, that it isn’t worth it. When you meet the person for you, it won’t immunize you against noticing other people but you’ll know threatening the real thing isn’t worth it. But at your stage in life the message may be that it’s too early to settle down.

If this relationship has more mileage in it, then work on it. You don’t want to hurt him – that’s a good reason to let him down, honestly, kindly and firmly, not a reason to stay. But if you care what he feels, it may be a reason to give it another try. If it doesn’t work, kindly tell him it was fab but it’s over. THEN think about the other guy.

Is this worth pursuing? Is he just bowling you over cos he’s older and has impressed you? Ten years difference at your age is pushing it a bit, and can lead to relationships where one is out for kicks and the other out for friendship and the latter gets hurt.

If I were you, I would talk to my boyfriend. Not about whether to leave him for someone else, but about us and how we feel and where this is going. If you did, you may emerge with more certainty about what you want. Good luck!

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love and loss and stepfamilies

Posted on February 15, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, My partner and i fell in love 3 yrs ago. I can’t tell you how desperate I am – our lives are a mess. I have tried everything but nothing works. My ex-husband and I were very good friends with a couple who lived close by. She died of cancer three years ago leaving him with two children. After the funeral I helped them in every way I could and then he told me he’d fallen in love with me and I instantly fell in love with him. My husband and I had been happily married for 18 years. We were true soulmates and we both believed we always would be. I had the perfect life and I truly valued it and I was happy but I had to be with my partner. My husband and I split up and he immediately fell in love with another friend of ours and set up home with her and her daughter. We set up a new home with his two and my two children. My eldest saw his father until he was told they were getting married. He hasn’t seen or spoken to either since. My daughter’s contact with her father has been erratic but she now sees him every Tuesday/Thursday for a couple of hours. She never sees his wife. I have tried constantly to create a happy family but have failed badly. We are all desperately unhappy but we all want to be happy. We are all good people. I think we are all so angry about the people/things we loved and lost that we are stuck and most of all everybody is angry with me. Its understandable that we all have the various feelings that we have but we desperately need help. I wish we could be one of your success stories – its fantastic to see the smiles on the faces of the families you have helped. I just want to smile too – and I want to see smiles on the faces of everyone in my family – we all deserve it! I very much look forward to hearing from you.

Of course you all deserve it. But you need to know those smiles were hard-won. I didn’t come in and wave a magic wand and do it for them. What I did was go in and listen and then, using my experience, expertise and training, feed back the interpretations I had made. We explored what had happened, why it had happened, and how the past so often set patterns for the present. We delved and sifted though emotions – often painful and overwhelming emotions, that people often try to suppress and that by denying, only get worse.

All of this took time and a lot of hard work – on my part but mainly on the part of the families in question. They had to face up to some painful and often hard truths and it wasn’t easy. Some people in the series were reluctant to do that work and the sad fact is that if people won’t work, counselling can’t work.

You don’t need me, specifically, to help you work your way through this. You can do it with any trained, committed counsellor. But you’d have to be committed too. You tell me that your ex-husband and you had been happily married for 18 years and were soul mates…and that when your partner told you he was in love with you, you instantly fell in love with him. You tell me once you had gone, your ex-husband then fell immediately in love with someone else. You had a perfect life with him, but ‘had’ to be with your partner. And you then detail behaviour that reveals confused, conflicted feelings on the part of the children involved. I’d have to challenge some of those statements, and ask you to look at them. And I’d want to give those children the opportunity to voice their emotions – and you may find them hard to listen to.

One of the really important issues I highlight in the book I wrote to go with the series (Stepfamilies – surviving and thriving in a new family – see the books page on this site) is that separation and divorce are an adult solution to an adult problem and that children very rarely want it to happen. I wonder how much you have taken on board that what was right for you – and new beginning and love – was not good for them – it was an ending and a source of great pain. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go with it but I do think you need to address the fact that you and the children have very different viewpoints on what has happened, and their behaviour is a way of acting out their feelings because they may have found it hard to say them.

I’d suggest you look at getting a counsellor in your area – you could ask your GP for a referral or go to Relate, who offer counselling for relationship and family issues. Look in the local phone book for your nearest centre or go to www.relate.org.uk . They also do phone counselling – call 08451 30 40 16 for an appointment. Or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk. The Institute of Family Therapy can also help with family problems. Write to them at 24-32 Stephenson Way, London NW1 2HX, call 020 7391 9150 or go to www.instituteoffamilytherapy.org.uk

You may also like to contact Parentline Plus, often the first and best place for help with any parenting or family dilemma is. Their Helpline is on 0808 800 2222 and it’s free, confidential and open 24 hours a day every day of the year. You can write to them at Unit 520, Highgate Studios, 53-79 Highgate Road, Kentish Town, London NW5 1TL or go to their website at www.parentlineplus.org.uk to read or download a range of helpful materials, or contact them by email. They offer a range of support from one to one phone counselling to phone conference calls with other parents and face to face courses. Good luck!

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The Red Bag!

Posted on February 15, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I know this may seem a strange question. But on watching your programme I could not help noticing your fabulous red bag. Please could you tell me where you got it as my sister and I are in love with it. Thank you

Not strange at all – it is rather choice, isn’t it? I got it from a designer I found at the Country Living Christmas Fair. Her name is Jane Hopkinson and you can find her on the net at http://www.janehopkinsonbags.co.uk/

The bag you want is in her collection and called the Large document bag. In red, natch! If you do contact her, say it’s my bag you’re interested in – I think she did make it a tad larger than the one featured. If you do order one, enjoy! If I see you around with it I’ll come up and say Hi!

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letter from M

Posted on February 15, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, please help me, I saw the programme on stepfamilies a few weeks back and it has really upset me. I’ve had difficulties emotionally and have been for counselling and have sought even more help and it is not going anywhere. I want to sort my life out and don’t know where else to turn, I’ve been to my doctors, the hospital, mind and private counsellors but now I feel desperate. Since I’ve seen the programme your techniques have been playing on my mind. I need someone that would actually point me in a direction I can put effort in, guide me and be brutal where needed, but I keep getting past from pillar to post. My experience of counselling so far is not a proactive one; its been a case of I talk, they listen and its down to me to draw conclusions. They may say things to get me to think but that’s it, they don’t actually make any suggestions of anything I can do, or help me work through things. I have since found out that it would be more advisable for me to seek psychotherapy rather than counselling and have been on a waiting list for nearly a year.

You do seem to be having a rough time and you have my sympathy and support. I’m glad that the programme gave you some hope, and some glimpse of how counselling certainly can work.

I have to say that the best sort of support is the guidance to enable you to make your own choices and decisions; I might have been made to look more directive than I actually am by the producers of the films you saw. I was entirely responsible for the counselling with each family but I had little say over what went into the films. The producers may have felt picking out the bits in which I appear to ‘tell’ works better for the overall film than showing the far more common times when I was listening and offering options and asking the families to make their own way.

It does sound to me as if you need to take some control – it feels as if a great part of your anxiety comes from feeling overwhelmed and powerless over your life. A counsellor may have been able to help if you’d found the right one but counselling is often a matter of not only finding an experienced and skilled practitioner, but of there being a connection between you. Sometimes it doesn’t work with one, and can work with another. But it also needs you to buckle down and ‘take the pain’ – accept that this isn’t going to be easy, will hurt and take effort on your part.

You say you get passed from pillar to post but it also sounds as if you find it hard to settle down to it. Maybe you don’t feel you deserve to be helped, maybe you don’t want to face up to what is at the heart of your problems. You have my sympathy for all of that; but if you want me to be brutal and to guide you, then I have to say; come on, girl; stop faffing about. You can do it!

You say you’re on a waiting list for psychotherapy. Chase that up – how long do you have to wait? If you would like to pursue a referral yourself, look at http://www.bacp.co.uk for helpful information and ways of finding a therapist yourself.

Stop giving up – you’re worth it! Best of luck!

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i am struggling

Posted on January 30, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, i dont no ware to start,so here go”s,i got divorced in 2001,i got 2 girls 6 and 12,theres so much i want to say that i cant be bothered to write and tell you,yet here i am telling my tale to someone i dont no,i am involved with my partner at mo for just over 3 yrs,sorry i cant do this,i cant type fast as i speak,i at the end of my,last xmas i tried to take my life and i am struggling so very much,i got 2 lovely daughters plz help me

You sound really depressed and at your wits end. I really think it would be good for you to get some support and help, for your own sake and for your daughter’s sake. Would you have a word with your doctor and tell him how upset you are and how much you’d value someone to talk with?

I know it feels odd to talk to someone you don’t know but that’s why it helps – you can spill it all out, get it said, take suggestions to make some sense and some changes, and then walk away. It’s as if you can leave all that depression and upset in the room with the counsellor and be free of it.

Your doctor may be able to help or will refer you to someone who can. You deserve someone to be there for so please do go and ask for help. and if it all gets desperate, call the Parentline Plus freephone helpline on 0808 800 2222 or Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. Good luck!

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Puppy Love

Posted on January 30, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, I really like this boy, and he says he likes me to we have performed oral and im really into him! His the furthest iv ever been with. He came around frequently and we played around! But not his seeing someone else and he doesnt call he texts me from time to time but nothing like before he says he stills loves me but needs to think about the age because he is nearly 16 and i am 14! Please answer i need advice i am so depressed without him! Puppy Lover xxxx

I’m sure you do feel strongly about him and it’s certainly an important relationship for you – it feels like young love to you. But I’m worried from what I can understand you say is happening.

Let me get this right. This boy says he likes you but he is seeing someone else? He texts you when he feels like having some sex, and you then give him a blow job? So what does he do for you? Damn all as far as I can see except put you at risk of pregnancy, sexual infections and a broken heart.

You’re 14 which means a boy who has sex with you is breaking the law. Not that the police would want to prosecute if what is going on is young love, and mutual. But it doesn’t sound very loving to me whatever he says. If you’re going to have sex, you need to make sure you’re safe from both pregnancy and infections. If you’re not the only one he has sex with, he can be passing all sorts of stuff around, even if you have oral sex instead of penetrative sex, or he fingers you. And if he thinks he’s not doing anything wrong by having that sort of sex with an under 16 year old, he should think again. Sex acts of all sort are covered by the law that protects someone your age.

The problem with “fooling around” is that sometimes it goes further than you expected and that’s when you wind up pregnant. If I were you I’d visit a doctor to have a talk about contraception and sexual infections. You aren’t breaking the law, and any doctor would want to help you protect yourself and will see you in confidence. But a responsible doctor might also give you the opportunity to discuss whether this particular relationship – if you can call it that – is doing you any good or whether it might be best for you to delete the next text.

Maybe you should be looking for kisses and hugs with someone your own age and leave the rest until it’s with someone who will talk with you, not just text you, who loves you as much as you love them and so wouldn’t do anything to depress you. i think you’d feel better about yourself if you did. Good luck!

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i am starting to resent his child

Posted on January 27, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie, my boyfriend has a two year old son. i know the mother and she is the nastiest piece of work you could ever come across. My boyfriend doesnt bite back. Basically she says jump and he says how high?! I knew them when they were together and even when the baby was born as i was with another person, which makes it even more difficult beacuse i absolutly hate her and have done for a long time.

The reason i am e-mailing you is because i am now starting to resent the child and actualy have done for some time. all i can see in him is his mother and when i hear my boyfriend say how much he loves him and thinks how gorgeous he is, i cant help but feel angry as i think he is some strange way relating back to the mother. i know it sounds horrible and i know all you will probably say is its not the chils fault, he is the one stuck in the middle or he didnt ask to be born. all this i know but i cant talk to my boyfriend because it has got so far, whenever her name is mentioned i end up causing a row, i suppose i am jealous that she has had his first child, in fact i know that this is the reason and so does my boyfriend but i dont know how to deal with it without hurting my boyfreind and even the child.

I sometimes pretend that i am ok with some situations but deep down am not which i acnt always hide which starts off another row. I am only 20 years old and my partner is 26 which is probably why i am finding it harder but i love my boyfreind so much i know this is awfull but i just wish the child wasnt born and the ex didnt exist! i dont know how to deal withh the fact that i will never have my own little family without them being involved, i will never give my boyfriend his first child, things like that really bother me and i dont know how to deal with it. Please help! Thank you so much.

I feel so sad for you and I do want to quickly and thoroughly reassure you that your feelings are normal and natural and very, very common. If you had a look at my book (it’s listed on my books page) ‘Stepfamilies – thriving and surviving in a new family’, that I wrote to go with the Stepfamilies series you’d see that I talk about this. Such feelings are ‘par for the course’. To look at a child and see it as living proof that someone was there before, is painful.

But, my dear, while your feelings are okay and you shouldn’t feel guilty for having them – it’s a human thing to do! – you do have to consider what you are going to do about them. Because left unchecked they are going to poison this relationship and make that poor child, who didn’t ask to be in this situation, very unhappy. I’m afraid you are the one who is going to have to change. His son was there before you and is going to remain there. Your boyfriend is his father, and is responsible for his well being. He loves him and so he should; he can’t and shouldn’t change that.

And I suspect your hatred of her, and her in the boy, has increased with your involvement with him, and your fear that the link with is ex somehow take something away from you. It doesn’t, unless you let this spoil things.

So – what to do? I strongly urge you to take the opportunity to talk these feelings out with someone like myself, who can let you pour them out and dump them where they may do no harm. You could ask your GP if the surgery has a counsellor attached, or contact Relate who offer counselling for relationship and family issues. Look in the local phone book for your nearest centre or go to www.relate.org.uk . They also do phone counselling – call 08451 30 40 16 for an appointment.

Or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk.

If you can’t do that maybe you have to consider the final option; if you can’t adjust to this and accept his son is always going to be part of his life and any relationship and family he has…you may have to leave yourself. Tough but true. Good luck!

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stepfamilies aren’t easy! #2

Posted on January 27, 2006 by Suzie

Dear Suzie,
I have just watched your programme on Stepfamilies aired 25/11. You discovered that there was a woman who had been sexually abused as a child and had lost two babies, and that her anger had caused her to use her partner and his son “a lighting rod” for this pain. You did absolutely nothing to get to the route of the pain and your therapy consisted of producing an ineffective message board and a scrappy piece of paper on which members of the family could place ticks. You opened a lot of old wounds, apportioned blame and went off for a fortnight. It was quite obvious from the outset that your techniques, red ribbons aside, would do nothing to help the family. My question was “what were you doing while this family disintegrated before all our eyes” but seeing your £25 fee for answering emails from customers has answered that query. You are a disgrace to your profession.

Hmmm. So to be a credit to my profession I should, for a start, work for free? Actually, I do – all of the letters showing on this site are answered for free, as is my work on a website for looked after children, as is…well, I could go on but I won’t.

It’s interesting that so many people watched my series and reacted perhaps with discomfort and remembered pain, but didn’t shoot the messenger. I wonder what bells this rang for you that you are so angry at me and I’m truly sad for you that it seemed to revive such pain.

I can easily forgive your not knowing that this film was a one hour distillation of over 100 hours of film. I was responsible for the counselling that went on – over 30 hours of it – but not for making the film or choosing what was shown and what was not – that was the director. If you think I did nothing to get to the root of the pain or that what you saw was the extent of my therapy – well, I can’t help you. I got there alright and I offered a lot more than you saw.

The extensive counselling I offered may well have opened old wounds but I never apportion blame. And the most important issue you have to accept about counselling is that it consists of 50% from the counsellor in experience, expertise and insight but it only works if the clients give their 50% in work and effort and commitment. If they don’t work, it doesn’t work.

I can’t wave magic wands and I can’t put a family together by myself and by my efforts alone. What was I doing? Worrying, working, suggesting options, offering insights and ideas. But horses and water come to mind, and I can do nothing about that. As I can do nothing for you and that’s sad.

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