I wonder if you can help?, my partner and i were together for 2 years and had a baby in july last year, i had the usual time off work and everything seemed to be fine subsequantly when i returned to work things statrted getting bad and have had to move out.
i have admitted that i may have not supported her as much as i should have and have told her this and want nothing more than to move back into the family home so that we can be a propper family prior to me leaving she was tested for post natal depression of which she tested negative i love them both very much and am at my wits end she says that she is quite happy on her own with the baby i tell her i love her and miss them both very much. what can i do.
Can you take some tough talking? You may need to take on board some things you don’t want to hear, if you’re going to see a way through this.
What I’m hearing from you is the way you see it; you were happy, you had a babe, maybe you weren’t quite as supportive as she might have liked but you said you were sorry, didn’t you? Now she says she can do without you and you’re nonplussed. You grasped at the thought that the whole nasty mess might have been the fault of bloody hormones…but no, the doc didn’t agree. You love her, you miss them; you want it back the way it was.
And maybe that’s the issue you’re missing; she doesn’t want it back the way it was and I wonder why. Sometimes, simply saying sorry isn’t enough – you need to fully understand what was wrong and what changes you are going to have to put in place to make it different.
If you’re anything like thousands of men I’ve heard from, what went wrong was that the balance between you suited you fine, but not her. Who did most of the chores? Who dealt with emotional issues? Who was upfront and honest and who kept their feelings under wraps? Who cared for the baby? Who listened to the other? Who respected whom?
I suspect the traffic was mainly one way – that she did much of the work, that she struggled to get you to communicate and that when the baby came along, she felt put upon and unheard. Is that harsh and unfair? Maybe and in which case I apologise. But it may be the way she felt it was, and that may be why she asked you to leave. If you want a proper family the point is you have to be a proper family person – and that means equal respect and equal pulling of weight. It means recognising having a baby means a big change in your lives, and that both of you really need to be partners and to listen to and support each other.
If you want to go back, I’d suggest you offer to have this out with the guidance, help and support of a counsellor. You have to sort it out because even if you aren’t going to be together, you are set to be co-parents for life, and that needs to be discussed and arranged. I suggest you get in touch and say you know there were failings and you want to talk it out and would like to make and appointment with a counsellor.
Relate offer counselling for relationship and family issues. Look in the local phone book for your nearest centre or go to www.relate.org.uk . They also do phone counselling – call 08451 30 40 16 for an appointment. Or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk