I wish I were dead sometimes

Dear Suzie, I am 47 and have been living in france for ten years,I am so desperately unhappy that I have been in a clinique three times after trying to commit suicide,we have been married for 19 years and havn’t had sex for 17 my wife is just not interested at all unless I ask which I just can’t do anymore she is 17 years older than me which use to be a problem but I love her so much that I can’t bear to leave her,I found out about ten years ago that I had been sexually abused when I was 6\7 then sent straight to bording school which I absolutely hated and was expelled from my first school for being so disturbed,I just get so confused about everything!even now, and am on so much medication for stress anxiety and depression and have been given an invalidity status. I find that some days I can talk to people and friends and the next I just want to hide and rest I am also finding women less and less atractive, please please what is wrong with me I feel so worthless and empty I wish I were dead sometimes.

You sound at the end of a long tether, with so much stress and unhappiness behind you. No wonder you feel helpless and you do have my sympathy. But what I find most distressing is that with so many opportunities, no-one seems to have offered you the help you need and deserve.

Suicide attempts should be the signal to offer support about what led to such an action, not a signal to simply offer pills. Medication is fine for tiding you over but is not a solution to the kind of unhappiness you describe. You need proper counselling, not only for your distress now but for the long road that has led to it.

I don’t know what is available in France nor whether your language skills would be up to accessing it. Do please speak to your doctor and ask about therapy, and if that isn’t the route to go consider returning for a stay in the UK so you could access proper help here. It might help to have a look at Mind to see what they suggest. Good luck!

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