Dear Suzie, I’ve been going out with my bf for 2 years now, but I still can’t fully trust him. Before I met him I was a virgin and I’ve never cheated on him, but I know that he has had a lot of previous partners and cheated on 1 of his gf’s with 6 other people. I know he loves me but I cant help thinking if he could do it to her why couldn’t he do it to me? Am i just being paranoid?? I’ve spoken to him about it and he says its different with me but theres always that doubt. Please help me!!
Well, apart from anything else I dearly hope you’re using a barrier method of contraception! You shouldn’t touch this guy with anything less than a condom in place, and plenty of spermicidal cream in you unless he can show you a medical report proving he’s free from HIV and anything else, AND you know he’s been faithful for at least 6 months since he had those tests. And if that being the first thing I thought to say about your dilemma shocks you I’m sorry, but it may make a point.
That he’s had previous partner’s isn’t the worry – plenty of people have rich and varied sexual histories before settling down with the person they love. And plenty of people can be serial monogamous – not chaste in their lives, but faithful to each partner. What alarms me is the fact that he was unfaithful at least once to your certain knowledge…and with so many people.
Maybe he does love you – you don’t have to be a virgin to be loving and true. But I might worry that his particular, personal moral code says that he can be in love…and still have sex with other women. You say you’ve spoken with him about this, which is a good start. I can’t tell you whether you are being paranoid or responding to clues that make your doubts reasonable – only you can decide about that. But it might help if the two of you had the opportunity to thrash this out with an objective professional.
Make an appointment with a counsellor. You could find one via your own GP, or from Relate. Look in the local phone book for your nearest centre or go to www.relate.org.uk . They also do phone counselling – call 08451 30 40 16 for an appointment. Or the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. You can ring them on 0870 443 5219 or write to BACP, BACP House, 35-37 Albert Street, Rugby, Warwickshire CV21 2SG or go to www.bacp.co.uk. Good luck!