The phone sex is good but I want love!

Dear Suzie, 

 Im a gay guy. Im hoping you can help me. I had a boyfriend for about a year and a half and things were going alright, the only blunder was that he lived about 2 1/2 hours drive away, tricky I know but Ive had friends whose long distance relationships worked such as this.

 We broke up because he said that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that this was due to the pressures in his life (home life). Obviously he expected me to move on and I did temporarily with someone else for about a month but things didn’t work out. The thing that got to me was as I mentioned that I was seeing someone else there was no compassion from this person anymore it was like “Im not bothered” mode. But when we speak on the phone we well… get into phone sex. During that phone call we speak together like old times and it makes me happy. My feelings then tell me that this person does care but he still enforces in his manner that he’s still not ready for a relationship. Despite the lovely phone calls we occasionally have, he rarely replies to my txt messages. But the ones he does reply to have kisses on and he calls me sexy etc. Im so crazy for this guy (even after a year we’ve spilt up) and being with him would make me complete. I still hope that one day the situation may change in his personal life and things may happen again, but unsure which way to go. I’ve tried to move on with other people and Im just not happy with them, I dont feel anything for them. Our personailities were so unique to each others and thats what made us click. Please tell me what you think I should do? Many thanks for your time.

 You said picking someone who lived 2 ½ hours drive away was a blunder but I wonder whether it was part of your appeal to him. He sounds to me like someone who  finds it hard to commit and who likes to keep his sexual partners at arms length – safely out of intimacies way.

 The phone sex would fit in with that. Phone sex is a lovely way of regular, loving and faithful partners who happen to be apart to keep the spark and the closeness going. There is something entirely intimate about that voice right in your ear. But phone sex is also very separating – it is, after all, sex at a considerable distance and effectively keeps you strictly away from him. People sometimes use it when they like the sex, like the person but are scared and unwilling to put themselves on the line in a full time relationship.

There is, of course, another interpretation of his behaviour. You seem out to friends and family – is he? Sporadic contact that is passionate and close but that is strictly controlled by one party often happens when one of you – the one being elusive – is still living the lie and not willing to ‘fess up to the fact that their love interest is the same sex. Being in “Not bovvered” mode doesn’t actually mean he doesn’t care; it could mean he cares all too much but cares just as much about keeping his true self under wraps. Maybe he needs your help and encouragement to be true to himself.

 Let’s get a few things straight. There is no such thing as the One and Only Person For You. I’m sure your personalities click and he is gorgeous and you’d be happy together. But I’m equally certain you’re gorgeous and lovely and that there are a dozen guys out there who could make you happy, given the chance. The problem at the moment is that by keeping up this contact – he may have broken up with you but you never broke up with him! – you’re blocking yourself off from them. I can’t tell you the number of people I hear from or counsel who assure me one person, who is making them miserable, is the only one for them and anyway they never meet anyone who might be better. And they do finally break up and what a surprise, very soon after a real catch comes in the door.  

 So if I were you, I’d ask this guy what is the problem. Is it not being out? Is it someone else? Is it that he’s scared of committing? Tell him you can’t go on with things like they are. That gives him a chance to think it over and either finish properly or come across. If he can’t give you the proper relationship you clearly want and are so obviously worthy of, stop hanging on and go on out and find yourself the love you richly deserve.