Dear Suzie, I am a gay male, aged 24. Im single and have been for 4 years now. I am in a friendship with a man who I feel something for more than friendship and I am not sure what to do about it?! We get on so well and he’s everything in a man I could ever wish for, but he’s not gay. We only met 3 weeks ago and since then we have spent alot of time togther, shared a bed twice, but nothing happened, drank togehter, been for meals out and we text each other everyday, at least 10 times. I have told him I like him, and he was very supportive and understanding, and said that it wouldnt change our friendship, but he never said he wasnt gay, and never talks about women. He is single, 30 years old, and has only had sex with 3 “people”, his choice of words!!! He says its scary how well we get on, finishing each others sentences etc, and we always laugh and joke. Im so scared that if I push the subject, I\’ll get hurt and lose him as a friend, yet im so desperate to spend time with him. He makes me feel special and good about myself, and he is so attentive and caring towards me. Do you think there is something more there or am I just setting myself up to get hurt? The longest reationship he has had in 6months, and is so low in self confidence. I feel like we could be, dare I say, “soul mates” as we really do get on that well.
Id appricate your thoughts.
Genuinely “just good friends” friends don’t text each other 10 times a day. People don’t share the amount of time and emotional intimacy you seem to have done unless there is attraction, not just friendship.
But, you know, all of us at some time or other find a person, and a relationship, that just might be ‘the one’, and have anxieties about how to manage it and what to say or do. Your letter could have come from someone who was 14, 24 or 84; male or female; straight, gay, bisexual or transgendered. In short, anyone who was human! And if I had the secret of how to know what someone was thinking and feeling and the totally reliable advice on how to crack the “Does he, doesn’t he? Will he, won’t he?” question, I’d have written a best seller and be answering you from my villa in the Maldives!
You’ve said he’s not gay, but he’s never said he wasn’t gay. Actions speak much louder than words, especially in a culture that still has an immature attitude to homosexuality and that uses “gay” as an insult. He seems to be showing you pretty definitely that he has similar feelings for you as you have for him. Maybe he can’t yet come out and define himself as either gay, bisexual or bi-curious because he’s grown up shying away from his sexuality. 30 years old and only 3 sexual relationships does speak to me of someone struggling with something. But the experiences you are having together also speaks of someone who feels he has found a soul mate as much as you do. You both clearly make each other feel good. What’s the problem with that?
My advice would be to be patient. I know you’re bursting to declare your feelings and ask his, to advance to a kiss and maybe more. Some relationships do progress to physical intimacy and spoken feelings fairly early. Some do not, and are often all the better for it. Sometimes you have to take the risk and make yourself vulnerable to move on. Sometimes you need to wait. I can’t tell you when the moment might come – that’s something you’ll have to work out for yourself. I can tell you that on the basis of what you’ve told me, you both have a lovely thing going here and should just enjoy it. Keep texting, keep spending time together. Enjoy!