Dear Suzie, I recently met a guy at my sports centre who I am really attracted to and he seems like a really nice guy. I really want to ask him out for a drink but I don’t have the confidence to incase I get knocked back. I have very low self-esteem and can’t imagine how he’d want to be with me, and I can’t risk losing him as a friend. I also have the problem of already having a boyfriend – our relationship has always been very on/off and we had a serious row a few nights ago and I’ve given him one last chance because I do care for him, but I don’t know whether me liking this other guy shows that I shouldn’t be with my boyfriend. I’m so confused!!!!!
Liking someone else doesn’t always mean you hadn’t be with your present partner. Having someone, being in love with someone, doesn’t make you immune to the charms of others. But if it’s a good relationship, you look and don’t touch because you don’t want to be unfaithful and you don’t want to ruin a good thing. In your case, I’m not so sure it’s a good thing!
An on/off relationship that suffers rows, in which you issue ultimatums sounds unpleasant. You say you care for him, but does he care for you? A loving, caring partner helps you raise your self esteem, not lower it. But in the end, your self esteem and what you do about it is your own responsibility and maybe you ought to be thinking about looking at that. Have a look at my books page; I recommend Loving Yourself, Loving Another: The Importance of Self-esteem for Successful Relationships (Relate Guides) by Julia Cole and you might like to get hold of that.
As for this new guy – well, suggesting the two of you go get a coffee or a drink and have a chance to get to know each other isn’t exactly a declaration of undying love! Why would he knock you back, unless he already has a date. If he says no, don’t take it personally – he may well have other things he has to go do. but I would imagine he’ll say yes and be delighted – it’s tough being a guy and having always to be the one to ask the questions!
If you look at your own self esteem, think about your relationship and wehther it is good for you or whether it needs some work, and just have a drink with the guy…you may then find you know which way you want to go. Good luck!