my new boyfriend refuses to tell anyone about us

Dear Suzie,

I finished with my boyfriend of 2 years 2 months ago and started seeing a guy I really like and have known since xmas. I have 2 problems…firstly my new boyfriend refuses to tell anyone about us, his friends, family, etc so much so that I am not allowed to tell mutual friends…should i be worried about this? I keep wondering if he’s hiding something from me, or is ashamed of me. Secondly 1 of my exes friends has asked me out for a drink to catch up (i haven’t seen him in over a year) but I’m not entirely sure his intentions are strictly “friend”ly. Should I go? I don’t fancy him but I’m worried it’ll hurt my ex who I still care about deeply if I do go.

You’re a person, not a parcel. This means that your ex didn’t own you when you were together and he certainly doesn’t have a claim on you now. If you’d like to see a mutual friend for a drink, that’s not an insult nor an attack on him; it has nothing to do with him.

And equally, since you’re not a parcel, just because this guy might have an agenda in his invitation you don’t want to agree with, you don’t have to. He can’t walk in, pick you up and claim you. You’re a person. You can say “Thanks for the drink but no thanks for the pass – I’m interested in being friends and nothing else.” Yes, go. Be yourself. Enjoy the drink and enjoy being someone people are interested in. do nothing you don’t want to do.

And since you are a person, demanding respect, consideration and trust from others, maybe it’s well past the time to ask your new boyfriend what on earth he thinks he’s playing at. In my experience, there is only one reason people refuse to tell their friends and family about a new boy or girlfriend. That is, that they feel ashamed.

Could be he feels ashamed of being with you – and shame on him for feeling like that. Maybe he’s recently dumped or been dumped and he can’t face up to telling people it’s happened and he’s out with someone else so soon. But more likely, it’s because they are two timing. His friends, your mutual friends and his family know full well there’s someone else around and he doesn’t want to be caught out.

Whatever and whichever, relationships thrive on honesty and truth and die with lies and deceit. What ever his reasons, if I were you I’d ask him what it’s all about and demand a change…of one sort or other. Good luck!

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