Mechanical Sunday Mornings

I’m 53, living with my partner for 10 years and am very happy. However I am not really interested in sex, but he is. We have rather mechanical sex on a Sunday morning, but I am aware that he has to do all the work. I have never had a vaginal orgasm with him, although there was no problem with previous lovers. I think he is quite small, but of course we can’t discuss this, and anyway what could we do about it? I never actually feel sexy, but enjoy a clitoral orgasm. We started off with a passionate sex life where I made as many moves as he.

You started off with a passionate sex life together. What’s changed isn’t your age but the fact that you soon learnt that lovemaking between you didn’t hit the spot. You don’t expect it to result in an orgasm, so hardly surprisingly you don’t approach it with enthusiasm. I don’t think size is the issue – size really doesn’t matter. What matters is that a couple communicate and communication seems to be what is missing here.

Instead of waiting for mechanical Sunday morning, take the initiative again and do it with the intention of breaking this pattern of silence and grief. Obviously, if you tell him his technique leaves a lot to be desired he’s going to be hurt. But you can show him how to please you with movement and suggestion. He’ll be encouraged to continue when you respond with interest.

It might help you to know that all female orgasms are clitoral. You can stimulate the clitoris directly, with caresses or by squeezing or brushing this area between your body and his. Or, you can make sure the area is stimulated by movements of his penis in your vagina. If he’s large, this can be quite easy. If he isn’t, you might need to explore and experiment to find what suits you both. Some lovemaking positions are better than others.

If you want to make sure the clitoris is strongly stimulated, try taking the upper position. You can then direct and time thrusts to make sure they stimulate you. Or, have him on top but shift position so he rides far higher on your body. This means his penis doesn’t penetrate as far, but does press against the clitoris. Approach this with the attitude that you are entitled to enjoy sex and that you can change the situation and you will.

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