I’ve fallen for a second cousin

Dear Suzie,

I’m having such a dilema. I am a 29 year old with two daughters. MY fiance (the childrens father) and i have been together for 17 years (on and off), but living together solid for 11 years. He often cheated on me for a numerous of years, but i always took him back!!! Even up til 3 years ago (whilst pregnant with 2nd child) he was having an affair (which he declines)

Anyway we have been getting on with things, but only now i don’t feel the same with him. I do love him, but not in love with him.

I’m trying to keep this short and uncomplicated!! For a number of years i have been seeing my second cousin (please don’t think bad of me), but not while with my fiance. Until recently, he’s married with children. He has had many problems with his wife and he is only with her dor his childrens sake (but that is another story). We click and i feel he is my soul mate, but he is very much a ladies man!!!! We recently had sex (which was so good), but i’m in a spin. I do love him, He makes me shiver when i talk to him and when we meet, i get butterflies and get nausea. He has said that he feels alot for me, but because he is a woman player, he doesn’t want to hurt me, because he thinks so much of me!!!

I work full-time in a hospital surrounded by male porters and i have found myself flirting badly. I have started to take more pride in myself and i really do feel good about myself, but what about my children and “fiance”??

I really want to start again, leave my fiance, get a new home, share childcare and have fun. BECAUSE i don’t know how to have fun. I feel like a teenager again and i feel like i have found my youth again!!

I want freedom….Am i being selfish??

I love my kids, but i wish i waited longer to have them.

You have two separate issues here, and it really would help to see them as entirely separate. That is, whether to stay with your fiancé. And whether to pursue a relationship with your second cousin.

By combining the two – shall I leave him but should I only do so if I can go straight into another relationship? – you’re confusing the situation and muddying the water. So look at them apart.

The main reason for separating these issues is that if one man is abusing you, the best way to fight back is to become your own person; someone who can rely on yourself and stand up for yourself. Seeing the solution as just falling into another man’s arms simply moves your dependence from one man to another.

From what you’ve said about your fiancé, it sounds as if you have had enough. He’s let you down and you no longer love him. If that’s the case, then perhaps it would be best for you to call it a day.

But have I got this right – you have been an item since you were 12 and have lived together since you were 18? And you’re only 29, with two daughters? Would it not be a good idea to give him and yourself one chance to see whether you might put this relationship right? By simply following on a childhood romance you’ve never given yourselves the opportunity to build a proper adult relationship. His infidelities may be the result of never fully growing up and he may respond to the chance to do so. Before you go any further I’d give it a try – contact Relate today.

But if he won’t change then maybe it would be best for you to make a life of your own. You have children – can’t go back on that. But as you say, you would share care with him so both of you would have a chance at being parents but also having opportunities to have a go at finding new  romance and friends of your own.

And when you do that, you’ll realise that butterflies aren’t always the best reason to pick a partner. They need to excite you but also to make you feel pleased with and about yourself. And someone who isn’t as keen on the relationship as you are is usually signalling that this isn’t for him. The fact that he is a distant relative isn’t a problem – first cousins are permitted to marry in this country, so there is really no bar to second cousins. But you may be attracted to him because he is a relative – someone you know and feel safe with. In a way, that’s what got you into trouble in the first place; having children and moving in with someone you’ve known for ages. Maybe what you need is to be brave and move outside your comfort zone and the people you know, to find someone new.

This entry was posted in All Advice, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Sex. Bookmark the permalink.