I’m an overweight mother and life is so hard

Dear Suzie, i have been marrried for 2 years. when i firstgot married i was chubby but not that much my husband had no problem with it. i was about 150 lbs. and i got pregnant and i used an excusse to eat \”that i am eating for 2\” so i gained alot of weightabout 30 lbs yea alot. and he hates the fact i gained so much we always fight about and i cry all the time. i know how to solve the problem is just lose 30 pounds but i cant hes alwasy huring my feelings and when im deppressed i eat. i used to buy junk food and hide it and eat because he wont allow it in the house. i am a very beutiful woman but my body is the problem. i even get deppresed about it becuase all my nice outfits dont fit anymore and my stomach always pops out i cant bear even to look at myself. just after one baby i am so fat. i am even fatter than my mom and shes 40. i am 19 yes i know too young. i sometimes regret alot of things but what a person to do. i know im mixing up stories but im taking everything out. after i got pregnant my husband started to look at other woman who are skinner than me and he still does i always fight with him because of it. i always think its my fault. ever since i got married theere was not one night of me not crying. i just want some advice. he has changed alot since i knew him i cant handel it life is so hard.

You say you know how to solve this problem – just lose 30 lbs. I’m not so sure. Because if it was as simple as that, you’d do it. You don’t because it’s a lot more complex. Your feelings about yourself, your husband, your relationship, your new role as a mother, your shared role as parents – all of these are the real problems and until you both face up to them and both communicate about them, nothing is going to change.

For a start, look at what you said about your husband’s behaviour as you got married and before you got pregnant. You don’t say that he loved you no matter what, or celebrated your curves; you say he “had no problem with it.” Oh, how very noble of him. And did you not have a problem with his arrogant assumption that you should be the size and shape he dictates? What’s he like, may I ask? A lithe hunk with a six-pack?

Men with an ounce of decency and character are there for their wives. They take a half share in childcare when a new baby comes along, they support and boost their partners and make them feel good about themselves, and above all they don’t look at other women. You say he’s changed a lot since you married but I wonder; it sounds to me as if he’s just letting you see the real him – selfish, self obsessed and mean.

OK – let’s give him some benefit of the doubt. Having a child is a dramatic change in your life. It requires a lot of work and a lot of emotional input. Maybe the responsibility scares him and that’s why he’s reverted to behaviour as childish as you’d expect from the little scrap he should be helping you care for. Maybe all he needs is for someone to tell him to shape up or ship out and he’d come through for you.

It sounds to me as if you’re suffering from a double dose of baby blues. Part is caused by post natal depression – a very common reaction to having a child. You need to speak to your health visitor and your doctor – they can help. But the other part is caused by your not getting the support you should from those around you – mostly, from your husband.

You need some help from the health professionals. You also need to boost your self esteem and take some control. You can’t make other people change their ways – you can only change yourself. However, if you change those around you have to do so too. You eat because you’re depressed – you’re depressed because you eat. One thing you can do is to stop convincing yourself food will make you happy, or that you’re helpless in the face of your food habits. You hint that there are other issues. So deal with those, too. Do you need some help to get back to training or work?
Jobcentre Plus
can help with finding training or a job. Would you like some support with your relationship? Relate can help with relationship issues.

I know it feels awful and that you believe you have nowhere to turn, and you have all my sympathy. But I also think you can come through this – all it needs is for you to ask for the appropriate help, and take it. Go on – prove me right!

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