Dear Suzie,
I was in a 4 year relationship with a wonderful man. I was going to marry this guy. I had everything from the date set to the wedding dress. I went out of town and ended up cheating on him and never could forgive myself. He never found out, but I just couldn’t go on knowing what I had done. Things began to change and we called off the wedding and eventually I moved out and 3 months later we split up. I got invovled with a new guy and completely fell in love with this new guy. He is so wonderful, but I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I see a wonderful future with my new boyfriend and he’s so outgoing, but my ex text me and still loves me so much. I still love him aswell, but I love this new guy too. I feel so bad that I hurt my ex and he is still in so much pain after 5 months. I think I could be happy with my ex. He had a lot of control over me and the sex was horrible. I don’t know if I want that again. He wants to meet and talk, and I just don’t know what to say to him. What should I do? I love both of them and don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Not even myself. What would I say to my ex to not break his heart more?
People don’t have affairs for no reason – you don’t just happen to find yourself in bed with someone; you choose to be there. So on the face of it, it seemed inexplicable that you’d betray a wonderful man you loved and were going to marry. Except, he’s actually not that wonderful, is he? He’s a control freak and the sex is “horrible”. Not just so-so – horrible. That’s a strong word. Me, I’d run a mile from a man who makes me feel like that. And I think that’s what you’ve done. Except for some reason – and if you were in counselling no doubt you and your counsellor could work out why – you couldn’t just finish with him, you had to go to these lengths to force yourself to break it off. And now you’re with another man who is so ‘wonderful’, and think you could have a ‘wonderful’ future with him too. Lady, I think you really, really need to sit down and work out what it is you want and need, what it is these ‘wonderful’ men really do for you and mean to you and then make some decisions. If you don’t want to be hurt anymore you need to be operating far more knowingly, not letting men and your deep and buried needs and emotions pull your strings and make you such a puppet. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy can suggest a counsellor in your area. I suggest you take some time to talk and think.