Dear Suzie, I have known my partner for 18 months, we are very much in love & we now live together, we are both divorced & in our 30’s. A few months ago he sent a blank text to an ex and I was very upset that he had contacted her (he admitted it as I don’t snoop). Whilst out on a recent night I saw him texting – it was a younger woman he used to know (not an ex) . We were both very drunk & argued about it (memories of the previous incident were in my mind). I snatched his phone & hit him with it, he left me in a dodgy part of the city centre late at night, I became distressed & hysterical as I couldn’t find him. I rang his mobile about 30 times and left voicemails but at one point a female answered & told me to f-off. All sorts of things were running thought my mind – I eventually found him (he was alone) & I begged him to come home – he also told me to f-off. I asked if he would see me safe in a taxi, he said he didn’t care what happened to me. After over an hour of persuasion I managed to get him home. The following day he said he couldn’t remember much about what happened & is very sorry but I am devastated. He says he never wants to get in that state again (he isn’t normally a heavy drinker). He is usually very placid, loving and gentle but I am scared this could happen again. I thought I was his princess but I was made to feel like yesterdays chip papers – rubbish left out on the street (I have always suffered with low self-esteem). It has made me think how fragile relationships are these days in our throw away society. Please help me to rebuild the trust as I love him dearly & want to stay with him for the rest of my life. Thanks
This sounds like a real meltdown but is most worrying is not so much the question of whether he is or isn’t flirting with his ex, or even flirting with new women, but the level of anger and lack of control in both of you. It sounds as if you both got to the state where you were violent and careless about your safety and said deeply hurtful things to each other. This isn’t about a throw away society – it’s about you and him. Are you committed to each other? Are both of you prepared to listen to each other? Are both of you prepared to make changes in your lives and your behaviour to further this relationship? If you are, then I’d suggest you contact Relate and go for some sessions to get this sorted out.