Can she love two men?

Dear Suzie, 

I read your response on

 I found it very interesting and I would like to ask a  more complicated question.

 Can a 27 yo girl be in love with two people, one 30 and another 27? (I am one of them, I am not going to say who to make it interesting 😉

 Be with both of them during the same period of time.

Tell and show them both that she loves them and sleep with both of them without protection for 4 months?

And still after all this drama she still claims that loves both people. 

However,her first boyfirend LEFT her in late May and then after spending 6 months in 2006 and 6 months in 2007 with the second bf, she went back to the two year first relationship she had from before. And now, after a year of being with the second she is back with the first, that is she is back with the first again.

And now she thinks she made the wrong choice leaving the second guy!

 What this girl should do?

How can you trust a person like this?

Is this a personality issue or very unfortunate situation issue? (We create our own situations, our luck when it comes to matters like this, u said being in  love does not justify bad behavior)

This person hurt both guys a lot.

What is the moral thing to do here from her side and from the guys side?


What is the moral thing to do? I don’t really think I need to say – you know as well as I do. If you want to talk strict moral codes then anyone with integrity, who was upright, virtuous, honourable and honest, would not be in this situation. It’s wrong to be cheating whether you’re the woman with two men or one of the men knowing there’s another man. But just as important it’s hurtful.

I’ve said before that no-one can be called to account for their feelings. It’s more than possible to fall in love or be attracted to more than one person. But morality is more about doing the right thing, about treating other people with the sort of respect and emotional generosity you’d like to be treated yourself, than objective codes. And cheating is nothing of the sort.

And as for playing Russian Roulette with both pregnancy and sexual infections by having unprotected sex with not just one but with two people; well, I’m actually speechless on this one.

When people flit from one relationship to another it’s actually rarely about love or even about being free-spirited – the other common excuse for infidelity. It’s usually about fear. Fear of being left and abandoned, something that might have happened earlier in their life. Fear of trusting and needing, in case the person you come to trust and need then lets you down. Being scared of commitment  is always about needing commitment and fearing that this need makes you dangerously vulnerable. Having more than one relationship keeps commitment at bay but also always gives you a fall-back.

But that’s an explanation, not an excuse. Such behaviour patterns are usually created in pain, and cause more pain. And anyone finding themselves in such a relationship has three choices. Either accept you’re going to be used and abused and settle down for the masochistic ride. Or get out, quick. It’s not your responsibility to either accept it or try to stop it. Or, offer the  person one chance to come to counselling and sort out the problem. One chance; anymore and you’re into choice 1.

Whichever arm of the triangle you inhabit I’d gently suggest you get some support in breaking free from it. It’s not a healthy or happy place to be for any of you. Counselling would help.

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