Getting a Buzz

Men can be sent into a tizzy by their partners using a vibrator. The source of the anxiety isn’t so much the item itself but the feeling of being excluded, surplus to requirements and, of course, shown up. The problem is, sometimes it’s true!

The joy of a vibrator is that it does exactly what you want. A vibrator doesn’t wilt just when you’re getting into your stride, doesn’t ask “Is this OK?” repeatedly and at the most inopportune moments, and doesn’t roll over and start snoring. It doesn’t feel inadequate when you guide it to the spot you know makes you come and it doesn’t accuse you of being a slut because you know how to please yourself.

Using a vibrator also makes the point that orgasms aren’t the gift of men but something women own, too. One aspect of a vibrator that can make men uncomfortable is the power and control it hands to women. If he’s investing a lot of his self esteem into the belief that he’s the expert, and he gives you sexual pleasure, finding out that sisters can do it for themselves rather whips the rug from under his self confidence.

So, what should you do if you ant to use one and your partner objects? Don’t let go of that power but do help him see that the best sex comes in relationships that don’t have one person in total control but are sharing and caring. Don’t feel you should deny yourself the pleasure a vibrator gives you, but let’s have a little compromise.

For a start, tot up what he does for you that a vibrator can’t. Vibrators don’t cuddle, don’t kiss, don’t rub your back when you’ve back-pain. They don’t laugh at your jokes or buy you flowers and don’t look good in skimpy black briefs. Telling him what you like about him and the things you do together is a good start to making this a part of a shared and explosive sex life, not a source of conflict.

Use your vibrator on your own, by all means, but when you’re together try handing it over to him for a time. Guide his hand at first but let him see what is turning you on is the sex act you are sharing, not the vibrator by itself. When people make love, they may use massage oil, feathers, ice cubes to add a sparkle; that doesn’t mean the oil, feather or ice are taking over.

You should also reconcile him to sex toys by using one on him. The guidelines, by the way, say that you shouldn’t share sex toys. If you are faithful to each other and have bareback sex already, the sensible rule is to cover the vibrator with a condom if you’re going to insert it into any part of the body and change to a new condom if you take it out and them put it in any part of your partner’s body.

But above all, it’s worth convincing him that the length and size of a vibrator and indeed its shape actually has little if anything to do with its effectiveness. What really puts the wind up him is that vibrators seem to be penis substitutes – and bigger, harder, more reliable than the real thing – when in fact they’re rarely used as such. It’s the vibration that counts, and while women do insert them into the vagina, most get their kicks from pressing the device against the clitoris, nipples and all sorts of other sensitive areas.

The fun is in finding what bits work best – everyone is different. You can show him this experimenting to find his favourite spots. Obvious ones may be the shaft of the penis or just behind his scrotum, but he may be fully reconciled to using a vibrator if you set off on the marathon of identifying each and every erogenous zone he, and you, can find. It’ll keep you busy till Christmas!

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