She’s somebody’s wife, mother, sister – is it ok to fantasise?

Dear Suzie,


     I seem to masturbate never with pornographic imageries as aid; as most people do. explicit magazines are nor exactly my forte; but rather sexy pictures of  white female media and T.V Personalities arouse me more { yes for the record I am a black man} and  feel ashamed, not of the sexual practise itself, but rather the fact that these famous celebrities: Somebody’s wife, mother, or sister is the object  of my sexual desires and fantasies. 

is this harmless fun or do i need help.



The  people depicted in pornographic magazines or films are somebody’s wife, mother, sister just as much as any other media personalities. The only difference may be that those in the explicit media do what they do knowing and intending that it turns on their audience. Other celebrities do what they do to entertain or inform you…but they’d have to be very naïve to imagine none of their audience will be turned on by them.


Sexual fantasies are common and normal. Given that the majority of people actually fantasise about people they know the chances of you being someone’s sexual fantasy are quite high. Does that bother you? Or harm you? No it doesn’t, because the important fact about sexual fantasies is that they are all in your mind. Your mind and no-one else’s. No-one can tell what you are thinking which means no-one can be affected by what you are thinking.


There are two situations when they become something to worry about. One is if you find it hard to recognise the boundary between fact and fiction. If you start imagining that the object of your private fantasies is somehow implicated and involved – that your dreams have become real and she too thinks of you and knows what you are doing and consents, then that is a problem. Or, if you become so reliant on your fantasies that you cannot have sex without them or if real relationships take a back seat to your imagined ones, then that is also worrying.  If either of these sounds in any way familiar….seek help from a counsellor. If not, simply enjoy. Plenty of other people do.

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