she has too many male friends

Dear Suzie,

I’ve been dating a women for the last year and a half, I’m 39 she’s 43. She’s putting pressure on to move in together and get married. The problem is I don’t trust her but love her so much.

The issue I have is that she maintains too many male friends. I’ve caught her several times sending sexual related emails back and forth. I told her previously that this is unacceptable..

What do I do?

Pressure and a lack of trust are not good foundations for a loving relationship. If you can’t trust her now, moving in together or getting married won’t change that. If she has to push you into committing to her, it doesn’t feel as if living together will give either of you much satisfaction.

What I’m not sure about, however, is exactly what is going on here. Is this a woman who is fooling around, refusing to give up relationships with other men and flirting with them in entirely inappropriate ways? Or is this a man who won’t commit, yet who wants to own his woman as if she were a possession and objects to friendship and light hearted banter. After all, men and women can be friends without it having to be sexual, even if they exchange emails. It all depends on what you mean by “sexual related”. Descriptions of nights of passion imagined or real? Jokes? If it’s the latter, then half the country is being unacceptable with the other half, as far as I can see! When you “told her previously that this is unacceptable” what did she say?

It sounds as if the two of you really need to sit down and talk through your anxieties and requirements, and come to some understanding of what the other wants, needs and feels. And I think you have to listen as much as you talk – telling someone what you think is unacceptable won’t get you anywhere unless you listen to and take on board what they feel. Good luck!

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