I love her 2 bits but I don’t know how she feels!

Dear Suzie, i really need your advice, me and this girl have known eachother for about 2 years now, when i first met her i began to have strong feelings for her then my best mate and her got together not long afterwards and me and my best mate and this girl stopped talking for about a year.. anyway at the end of last year me and this girl had been flirting quite a lot then it calmed down, recently she and her bf split up and he said that he dont love her no more,, the next day i found out they got back together…. but she still carried on to flirt with me. i asked her the other day if she likes me more than a friend, she said no at first then she said she cant answer that question. im really confused because i love this girl 2 bits she makes me laugh etc etc etc and ive been there for her trough thick and thin. now im starting to wondering if ive been used. please help me suzie!!!!

I’m not sure if you’ve been used because use implies the other person knows exactly what they are doing. And I’m not sure this girl is entirely aware of her effect on you. But I do think she is taking the very easy and rather selfish option of having a boyfriend on one hand and a devoted male friend on the other, and probably playing them off against each other.

 Flirting can be fun when each of you know the rules. Flirting Rules are either that both of you are free and it’s a preliminary to getting off with each other. Or, that one or both of you are happily partnered and you know that and it’s a way of being good friends at arms length, with no intention of crossing the line.

 It feels to me that she uses flirting for another purpose. She could be doing it to reassure herself that she could have you if she wanted – you’re a fallback if her boyfriend goes off. Maybe it makes her feel sexy and attractive at times when her boyfriend isn’t being as nice as she’d like. And of course it could  keep him in line, knowing someone else will scoop her up if he misbehaves.

 But it hurts you. It keeps you from going off and finding a girlfriend of your own, and it comes between you and a good male friend. So in that sense, yes you are being used and it doesn’t sound very nice.  What should you do? Ask her one more time if she and he are an item and intend staying that way. If she won’t answer or can’t answer or says yes –  go find yourself a lovely girlfriend who will be yours and won’t keep making herself feel good by dangling you around like a puppet on a string. You’re worth better – go find it!  

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