I’m confused about my sexuality. I’m a 23 year old guy who has often had homosexual fantasies. One night a few months ago, I decided to act on them and it was a disaster. I’ve been depressed about it ever since and I’ve vowed never to repeat it. It’s just not for me. There’s a girl I think I’ve fallen in love with and it’s possible she may like me too. The thing is, by having this homosexual encounter it feels like I’ve forfieted my chance of being with her and it’s depressing me even more. I’m so ashamed by what I did with a guy, even though it was a few minutes of madness on my part and it feels like I have to be alone for life. I could never have a relationship with another man but now I feel like I’m not allowed to have one with a woman either. Am I being unreasonable?
Yes, I’m afraid you are but I do understand and sympathise. We have such a really stupid society with black and white and blinkered views about sexuality. It’s not your fault – it’s the way we bring people up. But honestly; to make you feel awful because sex with someone your own sex felt exciting – how ridiculous is that?
So let’s get a few things straight. Firstly – sexual attraction is not a one-way door. You don’t go though the section marked “homosexual” and find it’s one-way and you can’t go back. Millions of people pop back and forth over that line, being attracted to someone of the opposite sex one day and someone of their own sex the next. Sexual orientation isn’t an either/or, one thing or the other issue. They best way I’ve heard it defined is to imagine a line. At one end are people who are only ever attracted to people of their own sex. At the other end are people who are only ever attracted to people of the opposite sex. In the middle are true bisexuals – people who really don’t notice the sex of those they are attracted to because it simply isn’t relevant to them. Along the line on either side of bisexuals are those who mostly are gay or mostly are straight but may be attracted and may act on their attraction to people of the other sexuality now and again. Notice one thing; if you accept that theory – and I do – it means people who are totally gay and people who are totally straight are actually in the minority. Most people are somewhere on the line.
Which is why – second thing to get straight – gay sexual fantasies are so common. Most people have them. Having a particular sexual fantasy – gay sex, rough sex, sex in front of an audience to name a few very, very common ones – doesn’t mean you want to carry that particular action out in real life. The point about a sexual fantasy is that it’s safe and inside your head. It can be a rehearsal for the real thing but more often it’s simply a dabble in the forbidden.
You may be gay and what is stopping you express your self is the brainwashing so may people receive that makes them ashamed of their true inclinations. You may be straight and fell for the mistaken impression that just because you dreamed it you had to do it. Or you may be where most people are – somewhere on that line and capable of feeling and expressing desire for various people regardless of their gender. Whatever, it really isn’t something to get so upset about and certainly not something you feel ‘dooms’ you for the future.
My advice? Lighten up. You did nothing and felt nothing either out of the ordinary or deserving of this self flagellation. It may help to discuss it f2f with someone who can be both sympathetic and calm and who will confirm what I say – a counsellor for instance. Find someone through The Site. And then, ask that girl out. Good luck!