He’s nasty to me!

Dear Suzie, i have wrote to you before about my bf who’s says he loves our sex and me but i don’t believe him, because we are having difficulties in our relationship (of 2 years nearly) – after me spending months not going out or seeing anyone and waiting on him hand and foot, which i like to do for him. but a few months ago he started to get really nasty and malicious towards me and calling me names and i got depressed and stood for it. anyway 1 of his best mates came over to see him and i was in too, after a few hours of mucking about he started to get really nasty and was talking to his mate about another girl who i know of (in front of me) and looking at boy mags.

he then started talking about this girl and the mags in a very explicit sexual way, i got the ump and was being moody and was asking him constantly why he is acting this way towards me and he just kept taking me for a mug. then i had an outburst and called him a “heartless c**t” he then ignored me for the rest of the night and went to sleep. i layed in my bed with him next to me crying my eyes out and calling for my dad silently (who died when i was 6 months old) he is now today still ignoring me and hurting me really bad. i keep asking him why he is still being nasty but no reply. i love him sooooo much i dont know what to do? i am 18 and already i feel like i dont want to be in this malicious world, i am so sad please please help me? thank you

This does sound a really sad situation and you do have my sympathy. I had a look back at your original letter when you told me he says he loves you but you don’t believe him. I said at the time,

“Has he given you reason to distrust him? Have your life experiences left you feeling low in self confidence and self esteem so you doubt that he could or should enjoy this intimacy you share?

The only reasonable way to find out if someone is telling the truth is to ask them. If you can’t trust what they say, it’s for one of two reasons. Either your instincts are correct and they are not trustworthy – in which case, get out while the going is good. Or because you have a problem, either with intimacy or with accepting your own self worth – in which case, address that and seek some help.
I can’t tell you which it is but I bet you can, if you think about it.”

Now you say he calls you names and humiliates you in front of his friends and takes advantage of you. But you also say you call him names and go out of your way to actively encourage him to treat you like a doormat.

I can hear that you are sad and depressed, and have every reason to feel you need a man to look after you and to need love and security. But you have to be a confident person with good self esteem, expecting the best out of a relationship and giving it, too, to make a relationship work. Waiting on a man hand and foot and sitting round while he acts like a 2 year old isn’t going to do that. He could do with growing up a bit and treating you with more respect and care. But equally, you might find it helps to feel better about yourself and not to expect that the only way you’re going to be okay is if a man takes care of you.

It sounds to me as if both of you are finding difficulty in knowing what might be expected in a good relationship, and what both of you might reasonably both bring to this partnership and get out of it. I suggested last time it might help to talk it over with someone. Losing your Dad at 6 months may be a grief you’ve never actually faced up to and got over and it could help to talk it through with a counsellor. I suggested Relate – your own doctor may be able to suggest someone too. Do ask!

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