He’s my friends brother.

Dear Suzie, 


I just moved from the West Coast to the East Coast. Before I left out West, I hooked up with a good friend’s brother. He and I seemed to click. I slept with him right away. I thought that would be it but he called me the next day, asked to come over and it happened again. I started imagining that this would turn into something long-distance after I left, that I would have a boyfriend to come back and visit. He told me a lot of personal stories and I felt very close to him although the sex wasn’t great. He then got suspicious that his sister knew we were sleeping together. He seemed upset so I wrote him an email telling him I liked him but there was no pressure to tell anyone about us and I hoped to keep in touch after my move. He responded telling me he really liked me, he was happy I came into his life but he’s a very private person and it was weird for him to be with someone who is friends with his sister. He said we should stop “fooling around” but he wanted to stay “friends”. Am I crazy? Why would a guy who didn’t want to get involved with his sister’s friend have sex with her on two different occasions if he thought her friends were off limit? Did I do something wrong? Is it because I had sex with him so quickly?


You asked me four questions here and three of them are about yourself – are you crazy, did you do something wrong, did you sleep with him too early? Well, here’s a truth straight from the files of a counsellor; I’d say 90% of the time it’s not about you.


Ever bumped into a friend and had them “blank” you, and spent sleepless nights wondering what you’d done, how you’d offended them, only to later learn they’d lost glasses and didn’t see you or just heard they’d lost a job, a parent, a beloved dog and been too sunk in their own troubles to notice you?  


Most of the time, when people blow hot and cold like this it’s for similar and entirely personal reasons. Something going on in their life or their beliefs comes between you and them. Maybe he can’t manage a long term relationship. Maybe he does feel his sisters friends are off limits. After all, if he told you personal things as you do with someone you feel an intimacy with, he might be alarmed to think you may tell these to her.  Or maybe she feels her friends are strictly hands-off to her brother!


Whatever, you can’t make someone commit if they don’t want to. Take it gracefully and chalk it up to experience. After all, if he changes his mind he knows how to contact you.


As for  whether you slept with him too soon – well, what do you feel? I suppose I’d say it’s better not to jump in straight away. But equally, with two consenting adults sometimes that’s what happens.  Go with your gut feeling and look after yourself.

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