Control freak boyfriend

Dear Suzie, 

I am 17 years old almost 18 in a couple of months and i have this boyfriend that i have been going out with for a year and a bit. befor him i was going out with another controll freak but this time this relationship feels different.i fell in love with this guy that i am with but he is extremly jealous i cant even go to the bathroom with out him asking me where i am going. i know he means the best for me and evrything but i cant take it any more i want to do something about it and i told him his jealousy is getting off hand and every time we argue he can be the meanest person ever but afterwards when he is finished with his “tantrum” he’ll be so forgiving and he’ll tell me that i dont deserve it but i cant leave him deep down inside i think he’s going to change when he says he will he says he needs time but i dont know how much time i have. please help p.s i dont have money to see a councellor


You don’t need a counsellor. He does.


Jealousy is NOT about love. It’s NOT about meaning the best for the person you’re jealous about. Jealousy is about lack of self confidence and self control. At its worst it is violent, abusive and very, very dangerous.


He’s starting off being possessive – to a ridiculous degree – and mean afterwards. It will get worse because sooner or later jealousy and control freakery always get nasty  What, by the way, do you mean about a tantrum? Screaming and shouting? Bad language? Or has he already progressed to hitting you? Or is it pushing and shoving, pinching and pulling; little things that he and you explain away and deny is real violence?


You say afterwards HE is so forgiving. About what? He has nothing to forgive – he’s the one who is behaving badly. And that’s actually the whole core of the matter. He’s making you feel it’s your behaviour that sets off his rages and your behaviour that has to change. No, no, no!!.


Listen and believe; if you took to wearing a veil, asked him permission before you did anything, spoke to anyone, looked or listened or even breathed he’d STILL have jealous rages. Because his jealousy is about how he feels, not about what you do.


You think you’re in love. The problem is that sometimes habit and fear and a conviction you’re responsible for someone can feel like love. Love is mutual and generous. It’s about genuinely wanting the best for the person you love. It’s about respect and trust. None of which seem present in this relationship. And what  really alarms me is that this is the second person you’ve fallen for who behave this way. Why do you think you seek out such personalities? What’s the need and the pay-off or you. Actually, while it think he’s the one with the problem who needs help I’d also suggest it might benefit you to at least consider the types of people you fall for and why; talking it though with someone would be useful. Are you still in education? You could ask for help from a tutor or counsellor there, or your own GP. Good luck!

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