Getting a Buzz

Posted on August 9, 2005 by Suzie

Men can be sent into a tizzy by their partners using a vibrator. The source of the anxiety isn’t so much the item itself but the feeling of being excluded, surplus to requirements and, of course, shown up. The problem is, sometimes it’s true!

The joy of a vibrator is that it does exactly what you want. A vibrator doesn’t wilt just when you’re getting into your stride, doesn’t ask “Is this OK?” repeatedly and at the most inopportune moments, and doesn’t roll over and start snoring. It doesn’t feel inadequate when you guide it to the spot you know makes you come and it doesn’t accuse you of being a slut because you know how to please yourself.

Using a vibrator also makes the point that orgasms aren’t the gift of men but something women own, too. One aspect of a vibrator that can make men uncomfortable is the power and control it hands to women. If he’s investing a lot of his self esteem into the belief that he’s the expert, and he gives you sexual pleasure, finding out that sisters can do it for themselves rather whips the rug from under his self confidence.

So, what should you do if you ant to use one and your partner objects? Don’t let go of that power but do help him see that the best sex comes in relationships that don’t have one person in total control but are sharing and caring. Don’t feel you should deny yourself the pleasure a vibrator gives you, but let’s have a little compromise.

For a start, tot up what he does for you that a vibrator can’t. Vibrators don’t cuddle, don’t kiss, don’t rub your back when you’ve back-pain. They don’t laugh at your jokes or buy you flowers and don’t look good in skimpy black briefs. Telling him what you like about him and the things you do together is a good start to making this a part of a shared and explosive sex life, not a source of conflict.

Use your vibrator on your own, by all means, but when you’re together try handing it over to him for a time. Guide his hand at first but let him see what is turning you on is the sex act you are sharing, not the vibrator by itself. When people make love, they may use massage oil, feathers, ice cubes to add a sparkle; that doesn’t mean the oil, feather or ice are taking over.

You should also reconcile him to sex toys by using one on him. The guidelines, by the way, say that you shouldn’t share sex toys. If you are faithful to each other and have bareback sex already, the sensible rule is to cover the vibrator with a condom if you’re going to insert it into any part of the body and change to a new condom if you take it out and them put it in any part of your partner’s body.

But above all, it’s worth convincing him that the length and size of a vibrator and indeed its shape actually has little if anything to do with its effectiveness. What really puts the wind up him is that vibrators seem to be penis substitutes – and bigger, harder, more reliable than the real thing – when in fact they’re rarely used as such. It’s the vibration that counts, and while women do insert them into the vagina, most get their kicks from pressing the device against the clitoris, nipples and all sorts of other sensitive areas.

The fun is in finding what bits work best – everyone is different. You can show him this experimenting to find his favourite spots. Obvious ones may be the shaft of the penis or just behind his scrotum, but he may be fully reconciled to using a vibrator if you set off on the marathon of identifying each and every erogenous zone he, and you, can find. It’ll keep you busy till Christmas!

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How Much is Too Much?

Posted on August 9, 2005 by Suzie

Top shelf magazines seem to be available in most local newsagents, yet couples often wonder if using porn in their relationship helps or harms. There is nothing unhealthy or unusual in using visual stimulus as an addition, to spice up your sex life. Many people do it, from watching hot love scenes in a film to looking at sexy pics in a magazine. But when you get into the extremes of hard core videos and no-holds-barred sex sites, you may be in dangerous territory.

Most people use some form of erotica to pump prime their desire or to give them ideas to use in their own repertoire and if you banned every erotic sight you would have to remove almost every work of art in the world as well as most books, magazines and films. But what separates a healthy addition from an unhealthy addiction is when the object, in this case pornography, becomes the most important aspect in the sexual act.

It’s not the porn itself that’s the problem but how and why it’s being used. If you can’t make love to your partner without it or would prefer it to them, that’s the time to seek help. The attraction of pornography, of course, is that it’s an easy shortcut. Porn makes no demands. Porn doesn’t talk back, it doesn’t ask for it’s own orgasm, it doesn’t make comparisons and it certainly doesn’t expect to be wined, dined and romanced. It delivers the goods by getting you aroused, allowing you to get your kicks and letting you disengage when you choose.

The problem is, like Chinese food, you tend to want another hit pretty quickly afterwards and like any drug you usually find you need more each time to get the same effect. Users often claim their partners doesn’t mind, but that could be for several reasons. One may be that they simply doesn’t realise how much pornography is becoming a part of the shared sex life and possibly edging them out of bed. Or maybe they do and it actually suits them just fine. After all, one person may be using porn because deep down they suspect their relationship is in trouble and it’s a way of avoiding confrontation.

The non-user may see it as a way of getting the user off their back and sooner or later a good excuse to dump them. Or it could be that they hate it but simply doesn’t feel able to say so, scared that speaking the truth could lead to arguments.

If someone is worried, they should ask themselves:

  • Have I ever passed up the chance to make love, preferring a session with porn?
  • Do I find I can’t have sex, or sex seems flat and uninteresting, without porn?
  • Have I ever encouraged my partner to go out with friends/not to see me some night, so I could indulge in porn?
  • Have I ever promised to stop, only to find myself buying one more video/mag/logging on to one more site?
  • Would I rather look at porn than go out with friends?
  • Have I ever missed work to use porn?
  • Have I ever looked at porn at work?
  • Have I ever masturbated in risky circumstances with my porn?
  • Do I spend more than I can afford on porn?

Say yes to 3 and you’re getting into trouble; 4 and you’re at serious risk; 5 or more and you are putting your job, your bank balance and most important your relationship on the line in pursuit of illusion. That would be the time to have an honest talk with your partner and consider seeing a counsellor.

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Condom Etiquette

Posted on August 9, 2005 by Suzie

Etiquette books, detailing social codes based on traditional society, haven’t yet got around to laying down the rules of polite screwing. Which is a pity. Transgressing the accepted ways of polite engagement, such as not knowing how to peel a pear correctly at the dinner table, might cause social death. Not knowing the rules of getting it on before having it off could lead to an altogether more permanent loss of face.

Part of the problem is that most of us approach the tricky questions of contraception and protection in new relationship as if it were a situation in which there was an already agreed set of rules. Couples often find themselves using hints and oblique references to remind or suggest to a partner the way they should behave.

Vanessa says “I bust up with yet another new boyfriend three months ago, hardly before the relationship got going, because all my efforts to hint that he ought to wear something when we had sex just made him mad. He accused me of thinking he had AIDS or some other disease and it just ended in an almighty row. I’ve recently started seeing a new guy and I’m really keen on him and I don’t want to spoil this. We’ve had sex a few times, and I’ve been using the female condom, but it’s not an ideal method and he’s commented a few times at the fact it’s noisy and uncomfortable. But he’s sort of made it clear that he won’t wear a condom; he say’s he’s never liked them and never used them.”

Sexual etiquette is a new field of human discussion. You can’t get away with hoping that both of you know exactly where the other stands and what you mean. Without an established blueprint, you have to thrash one out yourselves. The rules of a sexual encounter should surely be the same as for any decent, loving relationship, whether short term or lifelong. Both of you should enjoy it equally, neither should be getting their thrills from using or abusing the other and you should care about your partner’s well-being.

This means that you should each care about the others anxieties and tastes, and want to come at least half-way in satisfying them. But if you want to be an equal partner in a sexual relationship, rather than your partner’s sexual convenience, hints and suggestions are out; assertiveness is in.

Don’t suggest, hint or excuse a partner into using a condom. Simply present it as a fait accompli – “Your condom or mine?” You don’t have to get drawn into arguments or explanations as to why you should use a condom until your relationship has become long-term and monogamous and both of you have had at least 6 months without sexual contact with other people and have had a test for HIV antibodies. You don’t need to go into exhaustive explanations about the increased risk of cervical cancer or the number of symptom-free men who unwittingly pass thrush and chlamydia to their partners.

All you have to do is say it as a ‘given’ – “I don’t have sex unless one of us wears a condom. That’s no reflection on you or me, just on the times. No condom, no fuck. Now, shall we use female condoms, where we can slather loads of body oil all over each other? Or would you prefer a coloured one, a flavoured one or one with ridges?” If your partner heads for the hills, you really are better of without them.

Is there any other situation where you’d accept the statement “I’ve never used it and I don’t like them” without howling with laughter or protest?

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Sex Therapy and How to Get It

Posted on August 9, 2005 by Suzie

When sex is a problem rather than a joy, where do you turn?

You may think you’re alone and unusual in your difficulties but you’d be wrong. Sex problems are common and for that reason, there are plenty of places to go. Whatever your age, whether you are straight or gay, with a partner or on your own, sex therapy is available and can help.

Why go for help? Many people ignore sexual problems, hoping that they’ll get better on their own or fade away. Sadly, sexual problems more than any other difficulty are likely to worsen if left. Talking problems through can make a surprising difference. It does demand commitment and focus, however. If you are a couple, sex therapy tends to work best when both go along together rather than on their own.

A sex therapist will keep private the fact that you saw them and what was discussed. You’d normally see someone once a week for an hour. Nothing sexual takes place during the session but you may be asked to do certain things at home. What happens is that you tell the therapist what is worrying you. You may be asked to talk about your childhood and early experiences. You may be encouraged to think about how and what you learnt about sex, your sex life together, your fears and your dreams.

The therapist would ask questions and guide you in understanding what is going on and why. You may need to talk over myths and misconceptions or the way you agree or disagree, in bed and out. Gradually, you work out and work on solutions. This may involve communicating together, trying out new ways of having sex or taking your time to please each other and relax.

Some couples come to sex therapy with high hopes of what it may offer. Others are scared, hostile or downright sceptical. In my experience, therapy has a very good chance of helping – as long as couples are prepared to work at it. According to the latest figures from Relate, 80% of couples who go through their sex therapy programme report “a marked improvement in both physical and emotional aspects of their relationship”.

How do you find a sex therapist and how much do they cost? You could go to:

  • Your own doctor. Your GP may be trained to give sex therapy. Or the practice may have a counsellor or sex therapist who offers help. Alternatively, they may send you on to a therapist based nearby, at other consulting rooms or a hospital. This would be free on the NHS. However, your doctor may help you find other sources of help if waiting lists are long or there isn’t much on offer in your area.
  • A family planning clinic. A counsellor or psychosexual doctor attached to your local family planning clinic can help with sexual problems. This may be free on the NHS. Find the address in your local phone book or ring the fpa’s Helpline on 0845 310 1334 or go to the website www.fpa.org.uk .
  • Relate. Some Relate counsellors are also sex therapists. You’d see a counsellor to discuss whether you need relationship counselling first. The fees are linked to how much you can afford – anything from £5 to £50 a session. Your nearest centre will be in the phone book or go to the website: http://www.relate.org.uk.
  • A private counsellor. You can go direct but it’s important to find one who is properly trained and accredited and has regular supervision. The British Association for Counselling can suggest one in your area. You can ring them on 01788 550899 or use their website www.counselling.co.uk. The Institute of Psychosexual Medicine is an organisation of doctors. Some will see you without a GP’s referral. Website: www.ipm.org.uk Email, ipm@telinco.co.uk . Phone number: 0207 580 0631.

The Couples Counselling Network can also offer telephone counselling for the price of a phone call and may be able to refer you on to a counsellor in your neighbourhood. Their Helpline is on 08700 763376.

The British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy has trained therapists most of whom are non-medical. Email info@basrt.org.uk. Website: http://www.basrt.org.uk/ Private therapy fees are negotiable between client and therapist. An hour-long session may cost from £15 to £50 or more. You’d need at least 6 to get any benefit and 10 or 12 may be necessary.

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Coming Out

Posted on August 9, 2005 by Suzie

There are 3 little words that many people dread saying. No – behave yourself! – not “I love you”; that slips off most tongues easier than an oyster slides down Tara Whatsit Thingie’s throat. I mean “Dad, I’m gay”. Judging from the letters I receive, coming out is rarely easy and rarely early.

Most gay men and women keep schtum about their sexuality for years after realising their own feelings. But sooner or later the stress of keeping it secret, the pain of living a lie and the sheer hassle of fending off the inevitable “And when are you going to bring home a nice girl/boy?” gets too much. Coming out to friends and colleagues may be hard enough but the people you most want to tell, and most dread facing, are always your family.

Late teens seems a common time to come clean, when parents and other relatives start making comments and asking questions. But fears and anxieties about what may result from disclosure often mean people keep quiet into their twenties and thirties or even longer. If asked why they remain silent, most explain is as harm reduction; if I came out, they would kill me, or it would kill them.

Some carry the secret into marriage, though parenthood and even into grandparenthood. While adolescence is a peak time for coming out, your own children’s adolescence is another. Not just because their emerging sexuality forces you to confront your own but because this life event often coincides with another; your own parents’ deaths. Once you no longer have to confess to Mum and Dad, quite a few people find the strength to be true to themselves.

It would be a pity to leave it that long. The main drawback of not coming out is what you all lose. You deprive your family of the chance to know the real you. You deprive yourself of the chance to be the real you, in and outside your family. And you rob them of the opportunity to rise to a challenge by assuming, without trying, that they’d fail the test. Parents are often shocked when a son or daughter comes out to them, but they are frequently not surprised. Just as most people know they are gay from an early age, their nearest and dearest usually realise it, too.

The key to coming out with maximum support and minimum pain is down to timing and how you do it. After all, if you want respect, you have to give it. If you want your parents to accept and love you for who you are, you need to tell them about your sexuality because you want to share yourself and be yourself, not as an act of revenge or spite. They may have done plenty to provoke your anger and bitterness, but the way round that is to show them how to behave by not attacking.

Talk first to someone you know will help, such as a counsellor on Lesbian and Gay Switchboard (www.llgs.org.uk). Practise with them how to come out to someone close to you, such as a friend, who can be your safety net.

Before you tackle your parents, put yourself in their shoes. What might your coming out mean to them? For many people, it raises terrible anxieties about their own sexuality. Parents may mourn the loss, as they see it, of their future, imagining this will mean no grandchildren from you. It might lead to resentful feelings from siblings, with the burden of providing grandchildren all on their shoulders. But what most parents fear when a child comes out is blame. They wonder “What have I done wrong that my child is gay?” or, more realistically, “How did I fail you, leaving you to cope with this on your own?”

It’s fear that makes people hit out. If you understand that, you can at least forgive and give them the chance to get over it. What you want and need from your family is their approval, acceptance and unconditional love. The best way of getting it is to offer it. However hostile, tearful, scared they may be, first reactions are not the last. Parents who scream, cry and act as if you’ve disclosed a terminal illness may turn out to be the ones who end up shrugging, killing the fatted calf for your partner’s visit and attending Mardi Gras.

As an agony aunt I have plenty of reason to be deeply sceptical about human behaviour; I’d never underestimate people’s capacity for vicious, mean-spirited bigotry, hypocrisy and prejudice. But I’d also never underestimate the ability to learn, to grow, to love. It’s surprising how often they start off pontificating against “them”, rethink when it’s “Our Charlie” and end up realising their fears were nonsense.

In the end, the consensus seems to be that telling is worth the pain and the hassle. Your family and friends may turn out to be ones to let themselves down by not rising to the occasion. They may descend into fruitless recrimination and reject you. If they do, it’s their loss, their problem and their responsibility, not yours. But if that’s the worst scenario of telling, consider the fact that the worst scenario of not telling is almost as bad; having to spend the rest of your life lying, deceiving and being ashamed of simply being yourself. It’s simply not worth it.

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